Love You To Death
by The Only Pancake
Summary: Hollypaw/Ashfur darkfic! Written pre-Dark River. Ashfur never got over his lost love, Squirrelflight. He is willing to do anything to have a part of her back- even if that means tangling young Hollypaw in a web of hurt and fear. Can she escape his grasp?
1. The Hunt

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**A/N**: Alright, so this is a fic I started shortly before Dark River came out. I can't be sure what got me onto the idea of an Ashfur/Hollypaw darkfic, but here it is! I know that warrior names, correct mentors, and the kittens to be born do not add up with the series. I'd like to ask you to try and understand that this was written a while ago, and I chose not to edit it. This is how it was made to be read, because this is how it was writ. :D

Remember to have a look at my profile for a detailed summary while the fic is in progress.

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As morning flittered across the rocky walls of the hollow, I stretched my back legs, and then shook some moss scraps out of my rumpled pelt. Even in the den, I could feel that it was cold again. After a quick groom and a light sigh I pushed myself to my paws and ducked into the snow-filled hollow. The cold white powder bit at my sensitive pads, but I forced myself to ignore the pain. I would be a warrior in a season; the least of my worries should be leafbare snow!

My bright green eyes drifted across the camp, and I watched Brightheart and Squirrelpelt as they collected Icepaw and Foxpaw for a morning hunt. My ears flicked, and I wondered where _my_ mentor was today. Bounding through the thin layer of snow I approached my friend Mouseclaw and flicked my tail. "Hey, have you seen Brackenfur, Mouseclaw?"

The gray-and-white tom turned his head to me. I was shocked to see his eyes burning with sorrow. "So I guess you haven't heard, then?"

Fear made my spine tingle. "Heard _what_?

He brushed my shoulder with the tip of his tail. "Hollypaw, Brackenfur was on the midnight patrol. He slid on some ice and fell into the hollow."

_Brackenfur slid into the hollow…_

Mouseclaw noticed the horror in my eyes, and the way terror made my muscles lock up. He added quickly, "He was breathing last anyone heard."

Abandoning my friend, I turned and bolted across the camp. I skidded into the medicine cat den, and almost tumbled into my brother, Jaypaw. I demanded, "How's Brackenfur? Where _is_ Brackenfur? Is he still alive?"

My throat tightened with anxiety. Over the moons I have grown to trust and deeply respect my friendly and patient mentor. If he was in StarClan…

Jaypaw hissed irritably, "Is a vigil being sat?"

Relief flooded me like a wave of warm water, bubbling gently through my entire body. Instantly my tight muscles relaxed and I exhaled slowly. I was still upset, though. "Jaypaw, why didn't you come and tell me? I have a right to know he was hurt!"

Jaypaw nudged my shoulder once, his voice not as sharp as before. "We've been busy all night, Hollypaw. Dustpelt and Honeyleaf have greencough; when did I have the time to go tell you about the accident?"

Guilt prickled at me when I realized the aforementioned warriors were in the den with us. I hadn't noticed them in my panic. Dustpelt was sleeping fitfully and Honeyleaf was watching us with dull, heartless eyes. I shuffled my paws and began to apologize for being so short with my brother. "Jaypaw, I'm so-"

An annoyed hiss in my face cut me off. He shook his head, "None of _that_, Hollypaw. Brackenfur is with Sorreltail and Leafpool behind the lichen wall, why don't you go visit him?"

Perking my ears I crossed the den, coming to stand beside Sorreltail. She smiled sadly at me and announced, "Brackenfur, you have a visitor."

The golden tom raised his head and stiffly. I could see the pain such a simple movement caused him, and I thought back to the time- ages ago- when Jaypaw had also fallen into the hollow. It sent another shiver down my spine. He asked groggily, "Cinderpelt?"

Sorreltail stiffened and her ears twitched once. Leafpool gently corrected him, "No, Brackenfur, that's Hollypaw."

It took a second, but my mentor's eyes seemed to clear a little bit when he saw me and realized I was not his sister. I recognized the strong scent of poppy clinging to his pelt; the seed used to manage the severe pain must be clouding his mind a little.

His unfocused eyes searched for me and he meowed, "Hello, Hollypaw. It's good to see you."

I purred softly and sat down with his mate. "Hi, Brackenfur. How are you feeling?"

The golden tabby sighed. "Not too great. I fractured my shoulder. Leafpool says I won't be able to return to my warrior duties for a quarter moon."

Sorreltail flicked his ear gently, "A half-moon at least!"

My heart broke when I saw the disappointment in his eyes. Leafpool whispered to me, "Maybe you should go for now, Hollypaw."

I narrowed my eyes at her, but I knew she was right. That lost look was creeping back into his eyes. I promised, "I'll train extra hard for you!"

I heard him laugh softly as I turned and made my way to the den exit. I shared a brief hello with Cinderfur as she came to visit her father and sister, then drug my paws back into the center of the camp. Firestar slipped out of the elders' den and blinked when he saw me. He flicked his ears his direction, beckoning me over to join him. Padding over to him, I asked, "Yes, Firestar?"

"How's Brackenfur doing?" he asked me, clearly worried.

I was surprised that he didn't just go see. This conversation was probably headed somewhere. I answered, "He won't be better until at least the full moon, I don't think. Leafpool wants him to rest right now."

Firestar nodded before gently reminding, "You'll need a new mentor until then."

I frowned, but admitted, "I know that."

A voice from behind me entered the conversation. "I'll take her."

I turned my head to see that it had been Ashfur who spoke. He padded beside me and offered, "I was just going to take Lionpaw out hunting. A little competition with his sister will be good for him."

Firestar nodded.

The gray warrior glanced at me, "Can you wake Lionpaw, and then meet me at the tunnel?"

I nodded, and then darted over to the apprentice den. In a heap of golden-brown fur, Lionpaw slept in his nest. I prodded his ribs sharply once with my paw. "Wake up, you lazy furball!"

He woke with a start, springing to his paws. His ears went back instinctively and he growled, half-asleep, "What's happening?"

I purred at him. "Nothing's happening. We're going hunting, so get out of the den!"

He stretched, flexing his massive paws while he yawned. Blinking the haze from his eyes, he asked, "What time is it?"

I glanced outside; it wasn't close to sunhigh yet, but it was creeping past the dawn hour. I reported, "Well into sun-up."

We bundled out of the den and over to Ashfur, who was patiently sitting by the thorn tunnel. He narrowed his eyes at Lionpaw, "The early riser catches the bird."

My brother dipped his head and mumbled, "Sorry, Ashfur. I didn't get much sleep."

With a snort, Ashfur led the way into the territory. I fell back with Lionpaw, glaring at him suspiciously. It has taken moons, but he _has_ started being friendly with Heatherpaw again…

I whispered accusingly, "Did you go to see _her_ again last night?"

Lionpaw's blazing amber eyes locked with mine and he snarled under his breath, "_No!_ Not like it's your business, Hollypaw, but I went for a walk with Poppyspots at the lake."  
His tone was both indignant and smug, and he lifted his tail as he pranced forward to talk to his mentor. I was left in the back to dwell on that thought.

Soon we started the hunt. It was Lionpaw's turn first- the task was to catch the squirrel four yards away, storing some acorns. Lionpaw was doing it all wrong! Using the bird stalk, he pounced much too soon. The furry animal escaped his claws and bolted for the nearest tree. He darted after it, but he was too slow.

I couldn't let it get away. The clan was already short of freshkill. I darted forward with a burst of speed, and cut off the path between the prey and the tree. Springing, I landed hard on the animal and pinned it into the ground. Before it could squeal, I delivered a snapping bite to its neck.

Lionpaw glared at me with smoldering eyes and he skidded to a halt before he collided with me. He hissed, "I was _about_ to get it, _Hollypaw!_ I can catch my own prey!"

My neck fur started to bristle with fury. I snarled, "You were nowhere close, _Lionpaw!_ The clan will never be fed with _your_ poor stalking techniques."

Our eyes stayed connected for a second, and the air seemed to crackle in between us. If he was going to be hostile, I was going to fight back.

Ashfur cut Lionpaw's reply off with an ill-tempered growl. "You took the words right out of my mouth, Hollypaw." He glared thorns at my brother. "You're too old to be making greenhorn mistakes like that! You're nearly a warrior, and you can't even catch a squirrel!"

Lionpaw dropped his gaze shamefully. I felt bad for him. His biggest dream- his _only_ dream- was to be ThunderClan's best warrior. Ashfur smiled at me suddenly, his blue eyes bright and friendly. I was taken aback by the dramatic mood shift. "Good catch though, Hollypaw. You're a brilliant hunter. Just like Squirrelflight."

I flushed with embarrassment. "Thanks."

He flicked his tail for us to keep moving. After kicking snow over my catch, I energetically followed. I caught up to Lionpaw and pressed my flank against his. "Hey, I'm sorry for being so…" What was a good word for that sentence? Over-protective of him? Worried about the clan? Stressed about Brackenfur?

He offered lightly, "Mouse-brained?"

Ruffling my fur playfully, I cuffed his ear. He growled and bowled me over, but I managed to slip away from his paws and whack his shoulder. Ashfur, setting down a fresh magpie, watched silently. It seemed he had no problem taking a break if it was for battle practice rather then actual fighting.

My brother spun around and perked his ears, almost like he was listening for Ashfur to offer advice. He did it all of the time, I paid no attention to it anymore. With a heavy paw, he batted my muzzle hard enough to rattle my eyes. If claws had been flashing, that would have left a seriously nasty scar. I hissed and hooked his front leg with my paw, pulling it out from under him as I quickly head-butted his chest. Unbalanced, Lionpaw clattered to the ground hard. I pinned him down and pressed my paw against his throat, grinning triumphantly.

Ashfur_ mrrowed_ with laughter, "She wins."

I smiled and released him. He stood up and shook the snow out of his pelt. His eyes shone with an intense eagerness. "That was a good move! Did Brackenfur teach it to you?"

I shook my head. "No, I guess I just did it."

Ashfur commented proudly, "You both did well."

Lionpaw smiled, and then slipped into the forest to catch a mouse that just shot by. Ashfur was staring strangely at me. I blinked and asked, "Are we going to be out much longer, Ashfur?" I didn't want to complain, but now there was snow in my fur, and the bitter cold was freezing me to the bone.

The warrior shook his head. "No, we'll return as soon as Lionpaw comes back."

Before I could reply, he abruptly announced, "You have your mother's eyes."

The sudden declaration startled me. I was left mentally scrambling. Where did _that_ come from?

"Oh, well I've been told-" My answer was interrupted by Lionpaw as he crashed his way back over to us. He held two mice, which explained the length of his absence.

Ashfur picked up his magpie. He backtracked so I could collect the squirrel. I returned home with my brother and his mentor. Ashfur was acting strangely towards me today. It was very odd.

I wasn't so sure I disliked the attention, though.

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	2. His Advance

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The next morning, just after the crack of dawn, Foxpaw nudged me awake. I sighed, blinking my sleep away, and asked the young tom, "What is it?"

"Firestar's just called a meeting." Foxpaw explained. That woke me up. I stood up and followed him and Jaypaw out of the den and over to the

Highrock. Slowly, everyone who could attend the meeting had arrived. That's when Firestar glanced down at us.

He began, "As we all know, Brackenfur's shoulder will not be entirely healed for nearly an entire moon. I have spoken with him, and with some of the other warriors. We agree that a new mentor must be chosen for Hollypaw."

I lowered my ears a little bit as those words rang around the silent hollow. Brackenfur has taught me more then any other cat ever would; I didn't want to replace him! I knew, though, that I couldn't wait for him to get better. It's not what either of us really wanted.

Firestar continued, "Graystripe, you will take over her training. Pass onto her your wisdom and your courage."

I couldn't stop my tail from quivering with excitement. The former deputy, the mentor of my mentor, was going to complete my training! Graystripe was a strong, skilled warrior. Trying to be optimistic, I admitted to myself that I could learn a lot from him.

Graystripe and I met in the middle of the clan, and we touched noses with one another. Then everyone started to depart. Graystripe did not move, though. His kind blue eyes pinned me down and he forced a smile. I had a bad feeling about this.

He started gently, "Hollypaw, you don't have much else that you need to learn. Your and Lionpaw's ceremony shouldn't be too long from now."

Crest-fallen, I figured out why he was telling me this. Either Leafpool believed it would take longer then one moon to heal, or Firestar wanted to make Lionpaw and me warriors before thirty suns had passed. I never thought about myself walking through the clan beside a cat that _wasn't_ Brackenfur.

Either way he would be proud of me, though. It didn't matter what warrior led me to the front of my clan and presented me as an apprentice for the last time. I nodded, "As long as Brackenfur can watch, it's okay."

He smiled and started leading me towards the tunnel. "So, Hollypaw, word has it that you're a sly fighter."

I smiled and agreed, "I guess I am."

Graystripe's eyes twinkled with mischief, "So am I."

The prospect of a challenge fired me up as I followed him to the training hollow.

Cloudtail was there with Foxpaw and Icepaw. Their mentors, Squirrelflight and Stormfur, were on a mission in RiverClan, so the other warriors were sharing the duties of keeping watch on them.

Graystripe approached the trio, and the tussling apprentices fell motionless to see what he wanted. I sat with them as the warriors began to talk, and asked the younger cats, "How has training gone so far, you two?"

Icepaw's ears perked. "Great! We were on the night patrol, and _almost_ got to fight a fox. We couldn't find it, though."

Both her and her brother frowned. I felt a shiver run along my spine. The first and last time I saw a fox I was five moons old, and they were just kits. They were bigger then Brambleclaw! The young apprentices may soon change their mind about such a decision the first time they do battle the mean, ginger creatures.

Cloudtail announced, "We want Hollypaw to train with you two for a while. You need to experience what it's like to be put against a larger warrior."

I got to my feet as the three of us squared off, ready to take on both of them at once. Graystripe opened his mouth to tell us we could begin.

Before the first letter escaped him, Icepaw flung herself at me. I sprang out of the way. In my distraction, Foxpaw hand pounced onto my back in an attempt to unbalance me.

I dropped onto my side, squishing him between me and the springy moss underfoot. Icepaw knocked me off of him and I rolled onto my belly. The two young cats pressed their flanks together, sizing me up with narrow eyes. Neither of them was too quick to fight now, and they actually tried to assess me as an opponent.

It was my turn to be the aggressor. I sprang at them, and they each darted to the side. I landed in the empty spot they were in a moment earlier.

Foxpaw was closest to me- within striking distance. A fierce cuff to his ear sent him sprawling. Icepaw glanced over her shoulder to see if he was all right. In her distraction, I landed on her shoulders and flattened her into the ground, pinning her small body.

Cloudtail pointed out her mistake. "You must always watch the enemy, Icepaw. _They_ don't care about your clan mates safety."

I suggested, "Why not try working together, rather than taking turns? I do it with Lionpaw."

Lionpaw was fast becoming the best fighter of ThunderClan. I may be hard to catch, but when _he_ fights it was like trying to out match a monster. If he was angry, and the clan was in danger, Lionpaw was a wall that you were not getting past. Foxpaw was large for his age, and Icepaw moved quickly. They would balance one another out.

The three of us trained until the younger cats were tired out. Having more stamina than them, I stayed and worked with Graystripe for most of the day. I felt like I was dead on four paws by the time we returned home, shortly before sundown.

I immediately flopped by the half-rock, too tired to take another step. I briefly wondered to myself if I should go get some fresh-kill. Jaypaw and Icepaw joined me, and I flicked my ears in a non-verbal hello. Talking required energy I wasn't sure I had.

A dull thunk by my head made me open my eyes. Sitting there, tempting me with its warm scent, was a fat thrush. Ashfur stared down at me as he announced, "You looked hungry."

My stomach rumbled in response, and I felt my ears grow hot when Icepaw snickered. I smiled, "I guess I am." Clawing the bird closer, I asked politely, "Want to share?"

To my and my den mate's shock, Ashfur actually lay down beside me and started to de-feather the thrush. A warrior- a _senior_ warrior- eating with an apprentice? How very unusual!

We took turns until the prey was more or less demolished. Swiping my tongue over my muzzle I asked, "So where did Lionpaw run off to?" I figured, of all cats, my brother's mentor should know his whereabouts.

He flicked his tail towards the elder's den. Poppyspots, Lionpaw, and Longtail were all sharing a plump rabbit and talking to one another.

With a sigh, Jaypaw reported, "I have sick cats to tend to. I'll see you in the den, okay, Hollypaw?"

I meowed, "I'll probably be asleep, but okay."

Jaypaw stalked across the camp, and Icepaw scampered over to Ferncloud and Dustpelt. Ashfur shifted closer and licked my ear once. It wasn't quick, friendly lick like I would get from my friends or brothers. It was long and tender, and accompanied by a small purr.

The emotion, the _affection_, in that simple gesture made me shiver. I realized he was inviting me to share tongues with him. I was thrilled! Ashfur was a strong, admirable warrior, and I couldn't see a problem with getting closer to him. Isn't that how Sandstorm and Firestar got started- the balance between affection and respect?

I purred shyly and slid my tongue across his shoulder. He seemed delighted as we started sharing tongues. I found myself getting lost in the warm, gentle, rhythm we had created. Blood rushed through my ears. I could feel the stares of many of our clan mates. It wasn't every day you see an apprentice and a senior warrior together, you know.

"_Ashfur_!" A sharp meow interrupted us, and we both glanced to the side. On stiff legs, Brambleclaw stalked over to us. His eyes were narrow and furious as he glared at the other tom. I wondered what he could have done to upset my father.

Ashfur was the polar opposite of Brambleclaw. He was completely relaxed, and looked calm. His voice, though, was as cold as the leaf-bare wind when he asked, "What is it, Brambleclaw?"

He didn't really ask; he more or less demanded, "Up for the sunset patrol? I need someone to lead it."

Ashfur shrugged, and then asked, "Who else is coming?"

His answer was instant. "Brightheart, Mouseclaw, and Birchfall."

Ashfur stood up, flickering his eyes back to me for a second. His bright blue orbs seemed to glow the instant he saw me. A small smile spread on his face. "I'll talk to you later, Hollypaw."

Not sure of what to say, I just nodded. Ashfur bounded across the camp to collect the rest of the patrol. As soon as he was gone, I was pinned under my father's fierce amber gaze. "What were you doing together?" he demanded.

An unexplained shock of rage coursed through me. Who did he think he was? He can't monitor my social life! I asked venomously, "Did Jaypaw inherit his blindness from you? I was sharing tongues with him. Is that a crime?"

The accusing light in his eyes made my blood boil. I realize that he's never really liked Ashfur, but why does that mean I can't?

After a few seconds my father's shoulders relaxed and his eyes grew softer. "Hollypaw," he started, "I can understand how you might be feeling right now. Ashfur is a promising warrior, and to a young she-cat he would probably _seem_ like a very good catch."

I blinked in surprise. Was I actually having this conversation with him? Wasn't this sort of thing supposed to be Squirrelflight's job?

Brambleclaw continued, "Hollypaw, he isn't what he's trying to make you think. You don't know him the way I do. Besides, he's much too old for you."

I had been willing to listen to him when he started off. He was my father, and he did know more than I did. I was willing to try and respect his thoughts- until that last sentence.

I sprang to my feet and my tail fluffed out in anger. "You're older than Squirrelflight!"

Cats were starting to stare. I didn't care. He had no right to try and tell me how to live my life. Did I ever say I was considering Ashfur the way he seems to think? As a _mate_?

He was sadly mistaken. The only cat I have ever had that sort of feeling for was Mouseclaw- but it was none of Brambleclaw's business either way.

My father growled irritably, "That's different, Hollypaw. Ashfur is _my_ age. Squirrelflight is not that much younger."

"Brackenfur and Sorreltail?" I challenged. "Spiderleg and Daisy? You never complained about the four of _them_."

He blinked in surprise. I knew that meant I was winning this idiot fight. He opened up his mouth but I cut him off with an annoyed hiss. "Just save it, Brambleclaw. I'm not listening to this anymore."

Slipping past him I held my head and tail high as I stalked across the camp. Hazelpelt and Thornclaw moved out of my way. Cinderfur looked at me curiously, but I just shook my head. I didn't want to talk about it.

Slithering into the apprentices' den, I flopped into my nest, burying my nose in my tail. Lionpaw lifted his head to look at me. He hadn't witnessed the spat, but he could tell something was wrong. I looked away from him, glad that he didn't pressure me with questions.

I fell asleep angry, brooding about the fight.

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_**A/N:**__ She is her mother's daughter, all right. xD Just had to bring that to attention.

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_


	3. Going Under

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The next morning I woke up in a foul mood. I wanted to talk to Squirrelflight, but she was not back from RiverClan yet. I decided to visit Brackenfur. Yesterday I hadn't gotten the chance.

I slipped out of the den and was met by a slow, steady fall of snow. My black coat was dappled by the time I made it across the camp. Giving myself a shake, I entered the medicine cat den.

Dustpelt was complaining to Leafpool, "Two more days is too long! I don't see how you and Jaypaw can do it every single day."

Brackenfur snorted, and muttered bitterly, "Two days is nothing."

Honeyleaf nudged Brackenfur's shoulder sympathetically. Leafpool smiled gently and set a bundle of herbs in front of him. He grimaced as he started to swallow them. I padded over to his side and purred, "Hello."

He smiled at me. He was close enough se see me, and noticed something was bothering me. "Hollypaw, is something the matter?" he asked me, sounding worried. "You look upset."

I shuffled my paws, and glanced at the other three cats in the room. Dustpelt struggled to his feet, and Leafpool had to dart across the den and press against him so he didn't fall. He demanded, "I want some fresh air. Come on, Honeyleaf!"

I flicked my ears gratefully at the three of them as they exited the den. When we were alone, I confided in my former mentor. "I had a fight with Brambleclaw yesterday."

Brackenfur twitched his ears and prompted, "Oh?" I felt my guard slipping away from me. After sleeping restlessly all night, I was ready to tell someone about it. Brackenfur was my friend, I could tell him everything. Well, _almost_ everything.

"I've always admired Ashfur, and these past few suns, I think he's been trying to get a little closer to me." I glanced up from my paws to make sure he was paying attention, which he was. "Yesterday we were sharing tongues and Brambleclaw made him leave. He started growling at me about age differences and other nonsense. I don't know why I got so angry, but I did."

Brackenfur's eyes shone with understanding and sympathy. He smoothed the fur on my shoulder gently with the tip of his tail. "I know that feeling can be confusing. When I first realized I might have been starting to get affectionate towards Sorreltail, I didn't know _what_ to do."

I nodded for him to go on. He asked me calmly, "Do you think you have feelings for him, Hollypaw?"

I searched my heart and tried to see gray fur mingling in it. I saw gray- but not _just_ gray. I was seeing gray-and-white. I was seeing the gentle eyes of Mouseclaw.

I had to keep my options open, though. I chose my words carefully, "Not yet, but who's to say I never will?"

My former mentor looked disappointed for a second, then uncomfortable. He struggled to sit up, leaning on his good leg. He met my eyes, and after a thoughtful silence decided to respond. "Hollypaw, don't do this to Ashfur. He's a good friend of mine, and I have already had to watch him lose the she-cat he loved once."

My eyes grew a little wider when I heard that. I never knew he had lost love before! I opened my mouth to ask who it was, but he flicked his ears for me to keep quiet and continued talking. "If you think there is a strong possibility he can be the one, then pursue him. If there is another-" his eyes narrowed knowingly, "then stop the relationship today. That is my advice for you."

I wanted to hiss in exasperation. That barely helped! Standing, I touched noses with him in resignation. I know in my heart that I can never truly love Ashfur. Not the way he would need me to. I knew what I had to do.

"Thanks, Brackenfur." He nodded and I left the den. Graystripe padded across the camp and intercepted me. He asked cheerfully, "Are you up for a hunt, Hollypaw?"

Ashfur was just emerging from the warrior's den, blinking as the bright sunlight struck his eyes. My attention drifted onto him and I asked hopefully, "Is that optional?"

Graystripe followed my gaze, and his big blue eyes seemed to shimmer with knowledge. That made my pelt prickly. Did every cat know about my sudden involvement with the gray tom already? It hadn't even been two days!

Graystripe offered protectively, "Would you like me to come with you, Hollypaw?"

I was honestly touched that he cared enough about me to offer support when I might need some. He was my grandfather's best friend, and ever since he and Millie returned to the clans, he has been rather friendly towards my brothers and me.

I rejected his offer, though. "No. I need to talk with him alone."

My mentor licked my ear once, then stalked over to Firestar and Sandstorm under the Highledge. I called out, "Ashfur!"

Brambleclaw had slipped out of the den right behind the senior warrior. My father's eyes narrowed angrily. I felt that pulse of rage run through me again; I was not his little Hollykit anymore. I was almost a warrior, and I needed to make my own decisions!

Lifting my tail I padded over to him and asked, "Will you take a walk with me?" My tone was very guarded. I didn't want to give him the wrong impression. I was taking Brackenfur's advice and ending this before it got too far. Before it had the chance to even start.

Ashfur's eyes seemed to glow and he brushed his pelt against mine as he pushed out of the thorn barrier. We walked in silence for a while. We were almost to the abandoned Twoleg nest when Ashfur finally asked, "Is something on your mind, Hollypaw?"

I flinched when I heard the degree of kindness in his voice. This was going to hurt him. I don't know why, but I had a feeling it was going to hurt me, too. I led him into the two-leg nest, knowing no cat would bother us in the rickety old thing.

I sat down, and Ashfur sat to face me. His eyes were bright and his ears perked. I decided to try and let him down easy. "Ashfur, we're… friends, aren't we?"

"Yes, I think so." He purred happily.

I swallowed hard and flexed my paws. "I know that you want to be more than that, but I'm not ready to be. I don't…" I lost my voice, not quite sure what I had wanted to say. 'I don't love you?' 'I don't think it would work out?' 'I don't want this?'

There was a long silence, and after a while I forced myself to look into his cloudy blue eyes. I immediately regretted doing so. There was such an intense pain in his eyes that I winced, and I actually felt the edges of my heart cracking.

He whispered under his breath, so quietly I barely heard him though I was not an entire rabbit-hop away, "Squirrelflight…" My eyes narrowed suspiciously. Why was he thinking about her?

_'Did you know you have your mother's eyes?'  
_

Realization hit me like a violent kick to the gut. Brambleclaw's distaste for him. How bitterly he avoided my mother even when she tried to be friendly. His strange fascination with me.

That cat he had loved, the one that had rejected him seasons ago and he never truly got over, was Squirrelflight. I was just a tool to fill his void!

The older warrior stood, and his fur started to bristle. His eyes flashed, and I instinctively shrank away from the large tom.

When he spoke, his voice was shrill and desperate. "I'll wait for you, Hollypaw! If you're not ready that's fine- I will wait for you as long as you need me to. Please, Hollypaw? I lo-"

I hissed, interrupting his declaration. I didn't want to hear it. I _couldn't_ hear it. He didn't love me. How could he?

I said firmly, "No, Ashfur. It's not meant to be."

His innocent eyes flashed with anger before growing as cold as the leaf-bare wind. His soft face hardened like rock. He curled his lip back and snarled at me. Those crackling blue eyes locked onto my green ones and I shivered.

"It _is_ meant to be." He demanded hostilely. "StarClan took Squirrelflight away from me so you could be born, because it's _you_ I am supposed to love."

For a moment I hesitated. Could he be right? I didn't know the first thing about love, and he had experience. Maybe I should listen to him. Maybe I should ask some of the other warriors…

Ashfur shoved his nose in my face and growled, "You _will_ be mine, Hollypaw."

My fur fluffed out in fear and I whispered pathetically, "No."

His blue eyes twinkled like the twilight sky. He straightened up suddenly and waved his tail from side to side, laughing. "Oh, but you will. If you ever want to see Lionpaw made a warrior, you won't leave me."

Shock crashed down upon me like a cold wave. I hissed, "What do you mean?" My body felt both tight and cold. I was almost positive that I already knew.

Ashfur smiled arrogantly. "I'm his mentor. Until I think he's ready, he will remain an apprentice. Tell me, Hollypaw, is your brother ready to be a warrior?" His voice was dripping with threat, and I suddenly wished Graystripe had come along.

I knew that if I said yes, I was agreeing to so much more then just the question of if Lionpaw was ready to be a warrior.

But what if I said no? Could Ashfur really make sure Lionpaw remained Lion_paw_ for a few more moons? He was influential and his opinion was valued. I think he actually could.

There was no way I could do that to my brother. He gave up Heatherpaw so that he could be a good apprentice. He's been dedicated since day one, and it was the single thing he wanted most. How can I be selfish enough to take his dream away when it was so close?

I stood on shaky legs and padded forward, pressing my cheek against Ashfur's shoulder. My throat burned when I whispered, "He's ready."

A purr of blissful delight erupted from him, and he licked my ear. His voice was tender, all traces of that scary rage gone. "I love you, Hollypaw."

Icy terror gripped at my heart, but I did not speak. I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from telling him that I hated him.

_StarClan, what have I just gotten myself into?  
_

I died a little on the inside, but I forced myself to return his purr.

* * *


	4. My Hero

* * *

Ashfur twined his tail with mine as we approached the thorn barrier. Our bodies were pressed together, and he was beaming like a kit about to become an apprentice. I forced myself to smile as we emerged from the gorse, in case some of our clanmates were outside of the hollow.

To my surprise, some of them were. My heart plummeted when I saw what Stormfur and Squirrelflight were back, and they were talking to Firestar. Ashfur shot me a swift warning glare as we approached. I stayed glued to his side.

Firestar gazed over Stormfur's shoulder and blinked in surprise when he saw us. Squirrelflight looked over her shoulder, and her brilliant green eyes stretched as wide as full moons. "Hollypaw…?"

I smiled at her and purred sincerely, "I'm glad you're back. How were things in Riverclan?"

She gave herself a tiny shake and managed to answer, "Fine. I see we missed a lot."

Ashfur growled, and when their eyes met the air seemed to crackle. His tone made me shiver when he spoke, "You don't need to know everything, Squirrelflight."

He stalked towards the thorn tunnel, and I followed him silently. I was too afraid to look back and see the look on the faces of other others.

* * *

The next two days passed in such a quick blur, I felt dazed. I didn't really know what had happened, except that the clanmates closest to me seemed to have chosen their sides on the whole Ashfur/Hollypaw situation.

Lionpaw, Cinderfur, and Hazelpelt, my two closest friends and my brother, all seemed ecstatic to see me 'so happy' with him.

Squirrelflight was struggling hard to be okay with it. I could tell she was literally forcing herself to make an effort to be accepting.

I think Brambleclaw disowned me. He hasn't talked me to since the fight. He hadn't looked at me in forty-eight hours.

Jaypaw didn't seem quite keen on the idea, but not even he would dare to tell a she-cat that she had made a mistake in choosing her mate. It just wasn't something that was done.

Today was day three since the official get-together. I had been doing well at avoiding Ashfur, only sharing some fresh-kill with him. Today, though, we had gone on patrol together with Mouseclaw and Spiderleg.

The large tom padded beside me as the four of us entered the camp. Being the senior warrior, he was the one who offered, "I'll tell Firestar that everything was fine."

Mouseclaw and Spiderleg slipped away. Ashfur glanced at me, "We're going hunting at dawn with Graystripe."

I nodded and watched him walk away. When he was out of sight I decided to visit Brackenfur again. Would he be upset with me for this, after I implied I was going to let Ashfur go?

_Not like it's _me_ who's holding onto this relationship with all eight claws._

I entered the den to find it nearly empty. Leafpool and Jaypaw already left for the Moonpool. Sorreltail was sleeping by Brackenfur. He was awake, though, and perked his ears when he saw me. "Hey, Hollypaw!"

I sat down and wrapped my tail over my paws. "Hello, Brackenfur. How's your shoulder today?"

He shifted a tiny bit, but smiled. "It's very stiff, but Jaypaw says it's healing fine." He chuckled softly to himself. "Now I know now Cinderfur felt, after she broke her leg."

Cinderfur had earned her warrior name just a moon ago because of the accident with the Sky Oak. Brackenfur spoke again before I had the chance to. "Ashfur came to see me yesterday. He's very excited about the two of you."

I knew I had to publicly play along, so I tried to sound fierce as I defended him. "You never said it was a bad thing if it _did_ happen!"

Brackenfur just purred, brushing my sharpness aside. "I'm happy for the both of you, Hollypaw. I glad you made the right decision."

For once, unluckily, he seemed oblivious to what was really going on. I made myself smile. "Thanks." Waving my tail to him, I trudged out of the den and flopped down in my nest, trying not to notice how hollow my heart felt.

I was scared awake by two excited squeaks and a rumbling purr. I gave a few blinks to clear the haze from my eyes, and drowsily lifted my head. The other apprentices were all awake and surrounding Jaypaw. I asked, "What's going on?"

His sightless blue eyes alight with fire, my brother announced, "Hollypaw, I received my full name tonight! It's Jaywing now."

I sprang to my paws and purred, licking his cheek. Lionpaw's strong voice rang around the den, "Jaywing, Jaywing!"

Foxpaw, Icepaw, and myself joined in- chanting his name with vigor and heart. We all knew how desperately he had wanted to be a warrior, and how much he had to sacrifice for the best of the clan as he walked the path of a medicine cat. He deserved our support.

It made me melt to see how happy he looked, for once. Soon Lionpaw would be that happy, too.

_ You made the right choice, Hollypaw._

I know I did.

* * *

At dawn, Graystripe collected both Foxpaw and myself for the morning hunt. Ashfur, Lionpaw, Squirrelflight, and Brook were waiting by the thorn barrier as we made out way across the camp.

Lionpaw fell in step with me in the back of the little herd as we made out way into the forest. His entire body was tense, and his eyes were darting from side to side. Even though we were walking, his steps were very jittery. I asked, "What's got ants in your fur, Lionpaw?"

His fierce amber eyes narrowed and he shook his head, whispering to me, "I just have a bad feeling is all."

I was instantly wary, after hearing him say that. Lionpaw's 'bad feelings' almost always led to bad events. It was like a sixth sense of his or something. I glanced away from him, looking to see if the rest of the hunting party was as tense as he was.

Brook and Graystripe were getting along just fine, as my mentor usually did with his son's mate. Foxpaw was just slipping into the bushes in pursuit of a shrew. Squirrelflight and Ashfur, on opposite ends of the patrol, were glaring absolute murder at one another.

I didn't have time to dwell on that before Foxpaw darted back over to us, his fur fluffed out. He yowled, "Windclan!"

A heartbeat later the enemy warriors tore out of the forest and swarmed us. I didn't see how many there were- but there were more then there were of us! I actually didn't get to see a lot, because before I could register what was going on, Weaselfur landed on top of me and bowled me off my paws.

His heavy weight pinned me down, and his sharp needle-like teeth tore into my shoulder. I screeched in fury and raked my back feet down his stomach. He yowled and sprang aside, but didn't flee. The moment I was standing again, his heavy paw struck the bridge of my muzzle and ripped it right open.

I flinched, hissing as droplets of my blood splattered his already-ginger fur. Anger and adrenaline rushed through my veins as my warrior instincts kicked in. With a furious caterwaul I flattened Weaselfur into the brambles, ignoring his squeals as the thorns tore into his back. I clamped down on his foreleg hard enough to taste the blood before I released him and watched him run away.

The breath was knocked out of my chest when Tornear slammed into me and knocked me off my paws. The experienced warrior jammed his paws into my stomach and my throat, choking me as I struggled for freedom. His teeth flashed and I pinched my eyes closed. It was all over!

I felt his hot breath on my throat, but a fraction of a second later his weight was lifted right off of me. I flickered my eyes open in time to see Ashfur slam Tornear against the ground. The two of them rolled around in a fierce, howling circle of ripping fur and flying blood. Several seconds later Tornear staggered back towards the Windclan border, and Ashfur stood heaving for breath.

A furious battle cry echoed through the air as several of our strongest warriors clamored into the fray. Brambleclaw, Cloudtail, Thornclaw, Stormfur, and Mouseclaw. It was the morning patrol- luckily having been passing close enough to hear our battle noise I suppose.

The remaining Windclan warriors turned tail and fled before our reinforcements even made it over to us. Thornclaw and Stormfur stayed in pursuit, but the others all halted when they reached us. Brambleclaw darted over to Squirrelflight, his fur fluffed out with worry.

My attention was taken elsewhere when Ashfur shoved his face against mine. I surprised myself by purring at the sight of my new hero. Ashfur fretted, "Oh, Hollypaw, I thought I was going to lose you!"

I bit back a complaint when he started licking my wounded shoulder. Nudging his cheek I laughed shakily- not fully recovered from the shock of almost permanently losing that fight- "You _flayed _Tornear! I've never seen a warrior fight like that before, Ashfur."

Ashfur's blue eyes met mine and he purred intensely, "Anything for you, Hollypaw."

I felt a prickle of unease when I noticed that Mouseclaw was watching us, and his face was contorted with unmasked jealousy. I looked away from him, and my eyes landed on a heap of unmoving golden fur.

With a gasp of horror, I darted over to the bracken, shoving the plants out of the way to uncover my brother's body. He was torn to shreds and covered in blood. I nudged him and wailed, "Lionpaw!"

Brambleclaw snapped, "Mouseclaw, go get help!" The young warrior sprang to his feet and streaked out of sight a second later. Brambleclaw sprang over to my side a moment later. He demanded to the other warriors, his voice laced with a snarl, "Who did this to him?"

Wide-eyed, Graystripe reported, "He was doing well when I had the chance to look."

Foxpaw offered hesitantly, "He pulled Breezepaw off of me, and he seemed fine then."

Brook alone remained calm. Having lived through the Sharptooth, she was used to horror and injury. Her accented voice revealed, "Just before you arrived, he was under Onestar and Whitetail. He was already hurt, but I couldn't get to him. Ashfoot was in my way."

Before anyone could respond, Jayfeather returned to the scene, his jaws full of herbs. He shoved Brambleclaw out of his way and dropped the plants. He asked me sharply, "Hollypaw, is he breathing?"

I didn't see his ribs moving. His chest fur was too matted and wild to tell. The blood on his muzzle masked the scent of any breath he might have exhaled.

A thrill of icy terror ran along my spine as I choked out my answer. "I don't think so."

* * *


	5. Love Tangle

* * *

Leafpool and Firestar arrived a heartbeat later. Leafpool hung back though, because there wasn't enough room for all of us in the bracken. Jaywing pressed his nose against Lionpaw's throat and closed his eyes in concentration.

Firestar ordered the rest of the cats, "Follow Leafpool to the training hollow for medical attention." The training hollow was just on the other side of the gorse wall to the west. Leafpool led most of the other cats away. Brambleclaw, Squirrelflight, and Ashfur stayed.

Jaywing snapped his head up and announced, "He's alive. Hollypaw, cobwebs."

I scrambled through the nearby bushes collecting the sticky white webs as Jaywing hastily chewed some marigold and goldenrod together to make an ointment. He slathered it onto the shallow wounds as I pressed the cobwebs into the deepest ones. After a few seconds Ashfur asked tensely, "Is he going to be okay?"

Brambleclaw added, "Why are you treating him here, and not moving him to the hollow?"

Jaywing ignored them, "Firestar." His voice was quiet, but steady. Firestar padded forward, coming to stand behind my brother's shoulder. He asked gently, "Yes, Jaywing?"

I met Jaywing's eyes. I knew he couldn't see me, but he looked right at me. I felt, somehow, as if his sorrow was piercing my heart as I gazed at his face. He reported to out leader, "Lionpaw might not make it, but…"

He trailed off uncertainty. Firestar nodded wisely and finished the sentence, "But he deserves to die a warrior."

Firestar brushed Jaywing aside to make room. Ashfur meowed quietly, "Hollypaw, come and sit with me." I knew I had to get out of the way, but my muscles weren't cooperating. I didn't want to leave his side. It somehow felt like I was abandoning him if I did. I shook my head.

Ashfur's voice was still gentle, but somehow sharp at the same time, "Hollypaw!"

A shudder ran along my spine, and I met his eyes. My head seemed to clear and I moved out of Firestar's way, sitting beside Ashfur and leaning on his shoulder. I tried to let myself find comfort in his thick, woodsy scent.

Firestar gazed sadly at Lionpaw as be began to speak, his eyes clouded over with dark memories of the past. "I ask my warrior ancestors to look down upon this apprentice. He has learned the warrior code and has given up his life in service to his clan." He paused to gently set his paw on his grandkit's shoulder. "He will be known as Lionfang. May Starclan receive him with honor."

I choked back my grief and buried my face into Ashfur's chest. He slung his leg over my back, pressing his nose behind my ear, as he tried to loan me his silent support. I listened with half an ear as Jaywing started to fret over my shoulder and Ashfur's many wounds. At the same time, Brambleclaw, Firestar, and Squirrelflight began to mold the bracken into a nest for Lionfang.

_Lionfang, you'd better not die!_

Firestar suddenly announced, "You all need to rest. Three of you are hurt, and Brambleclaw, you've been up all night."

Instantly the shock of the situation wore off. I pulled away from Ahsfur and stumbled over to Jaywing. "I can't leave him, Firestar. I have to stay here."

Jaywing lay down beside Lionfang. Firestar's eyes were dark with sympathy. He nodded. "Okay, you can stay, Hollypaw. The rest of you, let's go." He herded the others towards the hollow. I returned my attention to Jaywing to find his eyes closed and his breathing getting shallower.

I hissed, "How can you sleep right now?" Without so much as flicking an ear my way he mumbled, "I'm not. Just be quiet and watch." A few seconds later, his body relaxed and he had fallen into an even sleep with Lionfang.

For a moment I wondered if he was getting enough air, breathing so weakly. I was staring with such a curious intensity that I jumped when Lionfang shifted a little. Jaywing's paws twitched, and his fear-scent began to choke me. I wanted to wake him up, but he'd claw my ears off if I did.

A faint, almost inaudible, growl slipped out of Lionfang's throat. A fraction of a second later Jaywing was awake again. He sprang to his feet, his fur fluffed out in horror and his eyes wild.

I dared to ask, "What did you dream about?"

He licked down his agitated fur, calming himself. When his body had relaxed considerably he decided to tell me. "I can enter the dreams of cats, Hollypaw."

I asked hopefully, "And you found Lionfang?"

Jaywing snorted, but I could tell he was afraid of something. "Yes. He isn't where I thought he'd be, though. He wasn't walking with StarClan."

I asked, confused, "Isn't that good? That means he can come back to us."

After a moments hesitation Jaywing nodded. "Exactly. Why don't you go to your nest,

Hollypaw? You're hurt, and you'll only make your shoulder stiff if you sleep on the cold ground all night. Lionfang said he's coming back to Poppyspots, so we have no reason to worry."

I was glad my brother had a reason to want to fight StarClan and return to us. I licked Jaywing's ear, muttering a goodbye. I limped into the hollow unnoticed and sank into my nest, thinking as I fell asleep.

I had thought he was going to die. In my time of greatest need, greatest distress, I had willingly turned to Ashfur…

_Do I really love him?_

* * *

I went to the medicine cat's den to see how everything was going. Lionfang was unconscious, but he had stabilized, so Cloudtail and Thornclaw were able to move him into the main den overnight.

Ashfur was there, too. He had been pretty ripped up in his vicious battle with Tornear.  
Brackenfur, like the other toms in my life, had been asleep. With all three of them asleep, I ended up leaving a minute or two after I entered the den. I settled down by the Halfrock with a magpie, wondering if I should invite Cinderfur on a hunt with me later.

A lean, gray-and-white tom had been watching me. He padded over to me and asked, "Can I join you, Hollypaw?"

Mouseclaw's yellow eyes glowered like the morning sun when I answered, "Sure." He lay down, taking a bite of the bird when I nudged it closer to him. Once he swallowed he smiled at me. "So, how have you been? We haven't talked in so long- it feels like moons!"

My heart began to ache. "Well, I have been busy training. In my spare time-"

He cut me off, bitterly finishing my sentence, "You're with Ashfur."

My neck fur began to bristle and I narrowed my eyes. "I do more than hang around with Ashfur, Mouseclaw!" It was true, too. I hunt with Poppyspots and Lionpaw, and I practice battle moves with Hazelpelt and Cinderfur. Lately, I've even been spending a lot of time with Honeyleaf.

Mouseclaw ducked his head, but muttered, "You can have a mate and male friends, you know."

I swallowed hard and looked up at the pale blue sky. "It's not as simple as it seems. You don't understand." My brother was a warrior now. The deal I had made, it was irrelevant. If I wanted to, I could cold-shoulder Ashfur. I could pour myself into the tom I really did want, and that would be that.

But the problem was that I wasn't sure that's what I wanted to do.

Mouseclaw scooted closer to me, setting his paw over mine. His eyes were pleading and his voice upset. "Help me understand, Hollypaw. I want to be here for you however I can be. If you're having problems with him or something, you can tell me."

My ears felt hot, and I tried to claw at my courage. What could I tell him? That I had been blackmailed? That it was all some twisted act set up by a tom that was sick; not bodily, but sick in the heart and mind? Should I tell him simply that I wasn't sure this was right for me?

Mouseclaw asked, "You aren't carrying his kits, are you?"

I sprang to my feet with an outraged hiss, and felt my fur fluffing out. Kits before warriorship was against the warrior code! How _dare_ he suggest I would disobey StarClan- for _Ashfur_? "You really think that?" I snarled accusingly.

His fur bristled, and he scrambled onto his paws. He looked more embarrassed than I can ever remember seeing him before. "No, I'm sorry! But you seemed so worried; I was just trying to-" I hissed in his face and stalked away before he could finish his thought, leaving him standing alone and confounded.

Ashfur was just emerging from the medicine cat den, adjourned with fresh cobwebs and looking spirited. I bounded over to him and demanded, "We're going hunting." He wasn't going to be the only decision maker out of the two of us.

The gray warrior blinked in surprise. "I'm supposed to lead the sunhigh patrol, though."

I knew, deep in my heart, that I was only using him to ease the pain of yet another fight with another tomcat in my life. However, I had been willing to give him a chance. He had rejected that willingness, and it hurt quite a lot.

Frustration started to build up in my heart. I growled, "Fine! If the patrol is more important than me, then that's just _fine_."

A lot of the clan was staring at us now. Turning, I darted out of the den and raced into the territory. I heard Ashfur call out to me, but I only sped up. My paws carried me to the abandoned Two-leg nest. This is where it all started.

I reflected upon that day. If I had said no to Ashfur, Lionfang would have still been hurt in yesterdays' battle. He was a warrior in the eyes of StarClan now. Even if he had not been hurt, Firestar would have never made me a warrior without my brother. I had been mouse-brained to think that could ever happen.

I had walked into Ashfur's paws like a blind mouse. He had told me he loved me, and I almost believed him. Now when I actually wanted him- he was too busy.

This is all part of his game. He's making you want him.

I almost considered finding Mouseclaw and flirting with him, just to see the pain on Ashfur's face. Just to watch his heart break through his eyes. However tempting that sounded, my paws didn't move. I know he really does care for me. How can I be so cruel?

The sound of gentle pawsteps made my neck fur bristle. Who was it? Pale ginger sprang over the fence, and Squirrelflight landed on the soft ground with a quiet thud. She padded over to me and asked, "Hollypaw, are you alright?"

I lowered my ears and admitted, "I'm confused. I'm not sure about anything anymore."

My mother sat down beside me, her soft green eyes meeting my own. She tried to offer as much as she could- she tried to understand. "When he was an apprentice, you were always very close to Mouseclaw. All of you apprentices used to watch Ashfur with bright eyes, though. Are you having second thoughts on your decision?"

I sighed. "I always thought Mouseclaw was the one, but Ashfur… Even though he-" I cut myself off, and my fur bristled with fear. I almost just told her he had forced me into this. That would not go over well. What would he do to me if I told _her_, of all cats?

I carefully tried to fix my blunder. "He can be a mouse-brain, but no matter how far I pull away from him, I keep springing back. Mouseclaw is trying to get close to me and I won't let him."

My mother brushed her tail across my shoulder comfortingly. "That's difficult, I know. I was torn between two once, as well. You must let your heart choose for you."

I sighed, frustrated, and decided being direct would get me the best answers. "What made you choose Brambleclaw over Ashfur?"

She looked shocked that I knew it had been Ashfur who was once her love interest. She wasn't left scrambling, though. She was too sharp to be caught off guard. Some part of her must have known I would find out.

Her answer came just a moment later. "During the badger attack we tell the kits about, it wasn't _Ashfur_ I fought beside. It wasn't him I was risking my life for. I realized then that I was meant for Brambleclaw- no matter how hard we butted heads sometimes."

My heart began to thump painfully against my ribcage. Was that all? Was that was love was? If so… "In yesterday's battle, Ashfur saved me. He practically shredded Tornear for hurting me. Afterwards, he said he was afraid he was going to lose me. I could _hear_ that he meant it."

I bitterly thought to myself that Mouseclaw hadn't even come and asked if I was all right. Nor did he inquire about Lionfang this morning. Squirrelflight sighed, "He's always been very protective."

I nodded. Brambleclaw was over-protective of her, too. And Lionfang seemed ready to claw your eyes out for upsetting Poppyspots.

I understood now. Your mate is the cat who thinks about you, and protects you from harm. He's the one who is ready to get hostile for you. Even if I wasn't completely happy with it, that was Ashfur!

I purred, nudging Squirrelflight. "Thank you. I understand now."

I sprang to my paws and darted back towards the camp. Back to the tom who was surely waiting for me.

* * *


	6. New Danger

* * *

The second my black fur entered the hollow, Ashfur scrambled to his paws and bounded across the camp to meet me. His eyes were alight with worry.

He fretted, "Hollypaw, I'm sorry about earlier! I should have gone with you. I should have never chosen anything over you. I'm so sorry."

I flicked my ears at him and purred, "Stupid furball, it's okay. I know that you need to protect the clan, too." I tried to remain light-hearted. I tried to make this work. Nudging him I teased, "ThunderClan would never manage without my big, strong warrior."

I felt that prickle of unease poking at me again when his blue eyes blazed with intense emotion. I felt like I was drowning in two blue flames. I shook that off. I would have to learn to deal with Ashfur's deep way of feeling- if we were meant to be mates. He asked me, "Do you still want to hunt?"

"No, but I need to talk to you." I flicked my tail for him to follow, and led him to the desolate corner of the hollow. It was just a span of rock at least five tail lengths in each direction; then the sheer wall we were now standing beside. I asked Ashfur, "Do you really love me?"

He looked shocked. "Of course I do! How could you have to ask me that?"

I shook my head to stop his rant. I needed to know more than that. I knew he would fight to save me, but what did that mean? Any of my clanmates would.

I asked, "Would you fight _for_ me, Ashfur?"

He jerked his chin up defiantly and growled, "Hollypaw, I would fight StarClan if you asked me to."

I beamed, unable to hide how happy that answer made me. He gauged my reaction and went a little farther. He purred gently, "I would die for you."

Hearing him say that so carelessly- as if the knowledge was as simple as the warrior code it's self- stunned me. His cheek brushed against mine. My eyes flittered to Mouseclaw. Would he do it? Would he be willing to _die_ for me?

Ashfur followed my gaze, and a sinister snarl bubbled out of his throat when he saw me eyeballing another tom. He moved in front of me, hovering menacingly. His fierce eyes made my spine tingle.

Shooting a meaningful glance at Mouseclaw, he snarled quietly, "Hollypaw. I would _kill_ for you."

Cold terror seeped through my muscles, down to my bones, and I felt my heart skip a beat. Looking into his wild, foggy blue eyes- I didn't have a doubt in my mind that he would.

Two days slipped by quickly, and Firestar called a clan meeting. I stood in the back with Graystripe, and Ashfur and Lionfang were just behind us. Brackenfur still wasn't well enough to walk far- but he sat outside of the entrance to the medicine cat's den and watched with proud eyes.

Firestar began, "Today I call us together to recognize the bravery and skill of two fine cats." He nodded to our group. Ashfur led Lionfang forward first. I could see the uncertainty rolling off of my brother. He was already a warrior, what was Firestar about to do?

Our leaders eyes twinkled. "Lionfang, do you promise to uphold the warrior code, to serve and protect this Clan, even at the cost of your life?"

Lionfang purred proudly, "I almost have already." That got some chuckles out of our clan mates. Firestar's whiskers twitched in amusement before his voice rang around the hollow, "Then by the powers of Starclan I confirm your warrior name, Lionfang, and welcome you as a full warrior of Thunderclan."

My brother lifted his head in pride, though he winced. The deep gash on his throat probably hurt when it was stretched like that.

Firestar continued. "Hollypaw, please come forward." Graystripe set his tail on my flank as we paced forward. I carried myself tall with both dignity and pride. When we halted at the front of the Clan Firestar asked, "Hollypaw, do you promise to uphold the warrior code, to serve and protect this Clan, even at the cost of your life?"

My heart blazed and I promised with more certainty then ever before, "I do."

Firestar concluded, "I, Firestar, leader of Thunderclan, call upon my warrior ancestors to look down upon this apprentice. She has trained hard to understand the ways of your noble code, and I commend her to you as a warrior in her turn. Hollypaw, from this moment on you will be known as Hollythorn. StarClan welcomes you as a full warrior of ThunderClan."

Ashfur yowled, "Lionfang, Hollythorn! Lionfang, Hollythorn!" The rest of the Clan joined in, and our names echoed off the walls of the hollow. I felt bigger than StarClan.  
We headed towards the thorn barrier, but I stopped by Brackenfur first, and he nudged me affectionately. "Congratulations, Hollythorn."

I looked at him, feeling great respect for this cat. "Thanks, Brackenfur, for everything. Though I have trained under Leafpool and Graystripe, _you_ will always be my mentor."

He looked touched, and purred to himself. Lionfang reminded me, "Sunset is in just a few seconds. We must go sit our vigil."

During the vigil I had time to think about the promise I made. I said I would protect the Clan, even at the cost of my life. Mouseclaw was in danger. If I told anyone, then Ashfur might hurt me. But now that I was a warrior, did that matter? I had to uphold my new code. I had to keep my Clanmates safe…

As soon as the pale dawn light trickled onto us, Brambleclaw appeared. "Your vigil is over. Honeyleaf is going to help you get settled into the warriors den."

Lionfang flexed his claws, and purred, "A warrior at last!" Brambleclaw brushed muzzles with him and promised, "I'm proud of you, Lionfang." My brother dipped his dead, then disappeared through the thorn barrier.

Brambleclaw looked at me, his eyes hesitant. This was out lone, non-hostile, meeting in almost a half a moon. He blinked sincerely at me, "I'm proud of you, too, Hollythorn."

Pride. I wasn't fully proud of myself, yet. I was fostering a dark secret for a half a moon; and it was setting my friend up for danger.

I touched noses with my father, but it was more polite then friendly. I could see the hurt in his amber eyes because of my still-frosty attitude. I asked, "Is Firestar awake? I need to see him."

He narrowed his eyes curiously, but answered, "He's still asleep, but if you must, go and wake him."

I streaked into the hollow, bounding right up the Highledge. Entering Firestar's den, I hovered in the entrance and meowed, "Firestar?"

The ginger tom blinked, stretched himslef awake and lifted his head. He smiled, "Hello, Hollythorn. What do you need?"

I took a few steps closer and announced seriously, "We need to talk."

My leader blinked in confusion, but sat up and flicked his ears for me to come closer. I closed the space between us and sat before him. He asked, "What do you need to talk about?"

My heart was racing. I could practically see Ashfur's controlling blue eyes staring me down, warning me not to do this. I meowed quietly, "I think Mouseclaw is in danger."

Alarm flashed in Firestar's eyes, but he asked me calmly, "What kind of danger?"

My heart felt torn. Do I lie to Firestar, or betray Ashfur? Would telling Firestar just put Mouseclaw in more danger if Ashfur found out?

Firestar urged me firmly, "Hollythorn, you must tell me. Don't be afraid. Whatever it is, we can work it out together."

I hadn't realized that my fur was bristling, my fear-scent was detectable, and my claws were digging into the stone beneath my paws. My reaction was clearly making Firestar uneasy. I had to tell him.

My quiet voice informed him, "I think Ashfur is going to hurt him."

Firestar's clear green eyes clouded a little when he realized what I had said. He asked, confused, "What makes you think that?"

I shuffled my paws. "Well, he…" I lost my nerve and lamely answered, "I can just tell."

The ginger cat smiled reassuringly at me. "It is just jealousy, Hollythorn. I thank you for worrying about your Clanmate, but Ashfur would never hurt another ThunderClan cat. He's a noble warrior."

I felt like he had just shoved me into the water, and I can't swim. He didn't believe me! I should have told him everything. I should make him listen to me by exposing how wrong in the head the gray tom is. But I just couldn't. Ashfur protects me; it's my obligation to keep him safe, too. I just couldn't expose his darker side to our leader.

Firestar's mind was clearly made up. I muttered hollowly, "Thanks, Firestar." Turning, I left the den, and scrambled down the Highledge. In my distress, I wasn't watching my footing and tripped. I squeaked as I fell off, landing on top of another cat.

It was Mouseclaw, who hissed and sprang away. The light of battle died in his eyes when he saw it was I, not an attacker. I licked my fur in thorough embarrassment.

His whiskers twitched. "Hi, Hollythorn. I'm glad you're a warrior now!"

I felt blood rush through my ears. "Thanks, Mouseclaw."

I could see affection shining in his eyes as he moved closer to me. He meowed awkwardly, "The other day… I'm sorry. I'd never think you'd break the warrior code."

I flicked him with my tail and smiled. "It's alright. We all have mouse-brained moments sometimes."

He laughed, and I brushed my muzzle with his gingerly. I couldn't help but give a small purr. He shuffled his paws, "Hollythorn, I know you have Ashfur and everything, but… I want you to know that doesn't mean I.." He stopped himself, and I could see the heartbreak written on his face. He wanted to say 'I love you.'

He sighed and shook his head. "I'll always be here for you, Hollythorn. I'll wait as long as you need me to. I will do anything for you."

I was stunned to hear that. Ashfur told me, the day I agreed to our relationship, that he would wait for me. He told me the day he saved me from Tornear that he would do anything for me.

I asked suddenly, "Would you fight for me?"

His eyes blazed. "Of course! Just tell me who."

I noted that he was thinking a real cat. A physical enemy that had blood to be spilled, and fur to be torn. One that could die just like he did. He didn't even consider cats with nothing to lose like StarClan cats. The truly dangerous ones are ones with nothing to lose.

I gazed at him with a dark intensity, a trait I was learning from Ashfur. I challenged, "Mouseclaw, would you die for me?"

I saw a chill run down his spine. He whispered hesitantly, "I would give up my life for all of my Clanmates."

A fierce pulse of anger shot through my whole body. That answer wasn't good enough! I hissed, "Look at me, Mouseclaw." His eyes snapped up from his paws and locked with my own. I pleaded with him, "What if I alone needed help? What if it was just you or me? Would you be willing to die for _me_?"

He was silent, and I forced myself not to flinch at the pain that shot through my heart. I bowed my head and informed him, "We can never be mates, Mouseclaw. I'm sorry."

He didn't care about me, not enough to sacrifice himself to save me. I would probably have done it for him. I probably still would. But he wouldn't do it- and Ashfur would. That spoke silent volumes.

Mouseclaw looked regretful, as if he wished he had answered 'yes'. I wish he had, too. He pressed his nose to my ear and sighed. I licked his cheek once, and then started padding away.

Ashfur was watching us with smoldering blue eyes. My previous terror gripped me again when I saw that hateful glint in his eyes. I _had_ to get someone to watch him, but Firestar wouldn't listen!

_You need to find Brambleclaw.

* * *

_


	7. Border Skirmish

* * *

I built my warrior's nest beside Ashfur's, knowing it was probably expected of me. Brambleclaw entered the den, looking bleary-eyed with exhaustion. I had to stop him before he fell asleep. We couldn't talk in here; it might wake Ashfur.

Springing gracefully over Cloudtail, I landed in front of my father and cut him off. I whispered quietly, "I need to talk to you." He blinked in surprise, but followed me silently out of the den and into the center of the camp.

I looked directly at him, my voice grave. "Brambleclaw, you need to keep an eye on Ashfur."

Anger sparked in his eyes and his paws flexed. He growled protectively, "Did that fleabag hurt you?"

It was touching to know he still cared about me, even after all of the recent happenings between us. "No, he hasn't. I think… I think he wants to hurt Mouseclaw, though." Brambleclaw was silent for a few seconds. I was dreading his response. What if he cast my fear aside, as well? Then who would protect our Clanmate?

_Please, StarClan, let him listen!_

Our eyes met again, and when he saw the terror in my eyes he nodded once- very seriously to my relief. "I will keep them away from each other, and there will always be a friend near Mouseclaw."

I purred, flicking my tail happily. Any barriers that had been between us instantly burned down. He gently pressed his nose against my own before inviting, "Do you want to lead a patrol?"

Lead a patrol? So soon after receiving my warrior name? I swelled with pride and accepted, "Okay!"

He smiled, "Good. Take three others along the WindClan border with you."

I dipped my head to him as he flicked his ears in a goodbye. I watched him whisper something to Stormfur, then nod towards where Mouseclaw and Berrynose. A second later, Stormfur bounded over to the younger toms and invited them hunting.

Confident that my friend was safe, I sought out my other three patrol members. I went over to my brother and denmate. "Hey, Poppyspots. Do you want to go on a patrol?"

She stretched, flexing her claws. "Sure."

Lionfang jumped onto his paws, and unsuccessfully tried to conceal his wince. "Can I come, Hollythorn? I'm so bored."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Your wounds aren't even close to healed yet. Do you want to get an infection?"

Flattening his ears irritably he sighed, "I guess not." His tail lashed as he limped towards Jaywing, who sat outside of the medicine cat's den discarding shriveled berries.

After finding Icepaw and Hazelpelt, the patrol was on the move. Icepaw was full of energy, so she ran ahead to scout the perimeter. Hazelpelt glanced at us and asked, "So, how is everything with Lionfang and Ashfur, you two?"

Poppyspots smiled thoughtfully. "I think I want to have his kits."

I purred and nudged her shoulder heartily. "That's great!" My brother was going to be a father! I was going to be an aunt!

She lowered her ears in embarrassment. A moment later they both pinned their eyes onto me. I looked away and shifted on my paws. "I think I'll wait a few seasons." I wasn't able to decide why I felt so bad about that. I never wanted kits before.

Hazelpelt cheerfully broke the silence, "I'm waiting, too. I want to run myself out of energy before I have to get stuck in the nursery with some needy little bundles for two seasons."

Poppyspots chuckled at Hazelpelt. She never had struck me as the type to want to find a tom and start a family. She would probably be like Mousefur, and choose to never have any litters at all. Nobody ever said a she-cat _must_ procreate.

A startled yowl interrupted our chat- it was Icepaw. Snarls broke out up ahead and I unsheathed my claws. "Come on!"

We charged through the brambles until we tore into a small clearing. Ferncloud, Ashfur, and Icepaw were fighting off a patrol of WindClan warriors. With the arrival of us three- the numbers were even.

I sprang at Heatherpaw, deeply glad Lionfang was not here. Some part of me knew that he would never stop loving her. It would hurt them both if they were forced to fight. I bowled into Heatherpaw and knocked her onto her back, sending her rolling into Hazelpelt.

Breezepaw jumped me, and we started rolling around in a flurry of ripping fur, fierce biting, and feral snarls. I was shocked that he was so powerful even though he was so small. I was bigger, though, and a managed to slam him onto his side. He attempted to scramble onto his paws. A well-aimed blow to his muzzle sent him staggering away.

Blood pumped through my veins as I looked around. Ferncloud was losing a battle against Tornear. A snarl bubbled from deep in my chest and I charged forward, knocking Ferncloud out of the way. I winced as the blow meant for her ripped down my cheek. Luckily for me, his claws had not broken the skin, only pulled out some of the fur.

"If it isn't Hollypaw!" Tornear jeered. I felt fury bubble within me at the casual use of my old apprentice name. "Is it a nice change to be doing the rescuing for once?"

I could still see the deep, raw wounds that Ashfur had left a few suns ago littering his body. It inspired me to show him that I wasn't an apprentice who needed saving anymore. I was a strong young warrior who wanted his blood under my claws.

My fur fluffed out in rage and I caterwauled as I sprang at him, landing on his shoulders and heavily slamming him onto his stomach. I delivered a fierce bite to the back of his neck. I wasn't a monster like him, though. I made sure it wasn't in a spot that would kill him. Tornear yowled and thrashed, managing to dislodge me.

We squared off and circled like the angry warriors of the past. LionClan versus TigerClan. The young and powerful against the experienced and well trained. Through my peripherals I could see that the other WindClan cats had been chased off. Only Crowfeather remained, watching out for his Clanmate, but barricaded from coming to help by Icepaw and Ashfur. This battle was a grudge match. A battle for my very honor as a warrior of ThunderClan.

We pounced at the same time and collided midair. His claws raked along my shoulder as my teeth snapped down upon his foreleg. Though his superior weight and strength made it so _I_ was the one who ended up pinned below _him_- my bite was too fierce for him to stay. He broke away from me and fled towards the WindClan border besides his Clanmate.

Poppyspots sprang onto a boulder and yowled furiously, "Stay out of our territory!"

I sat down to catch my breath, turning my head to listen to Ferncloud as she spoke to Icepaw and Hazelpelt. "It's a good thing you were so close. We would have been crowfood without your help!" She settled down and started helping Icepaw lick some blood from her white fur.

Ashfur bounded past Hazelpelt and pressed his nose against my unscratched cheek. He purred, "I'm so glad you're safe. That was well fought, a moment ago."

I purred back, walking along his side to brush flanks with him. I was shocked to feel something hot and sticky seeping through my fur. Pulling away and glancing at his side, I found myself looking at such a deep score the blood was spilling like a small, crimson waterfall. I gasped, "Ashfur, you're hurt!"

His eyes were cloudy with pain as he glanced at me. I could tell by how tense his body was that he was using his whole store of energy just to stand. He leaned forward and whispered sadly, "Hollythorn, I love you."

I heard Hazelpelt send Poppyspots to the camp to retrieve Leafpool. I didn't move; his hypnotic blue gaze froze me. I knew that he wanted to hear me, for the first time, say 'I love you, too'. I just stood there in horror.

_Hollythorn, you must say something! Don't just lock up like a startled fawn._

I stuttered, "D-don't talk, A-Ashfur. Lie down and save your energy."

A dark, terrifying blackness crept into his eyes. He glowered at me, looking torn between heartbreak and hate, as he sank onto the ground. Ferncloud came to sit beside him.

I decided hastily, "Icepaw, Hazelpelt, let's go finish the patrol and make sure everyone is back across the border."

* * *


	8. River Rescue

* * *

All night I stayed up, worrying about Ashfur. I lay in the middle of the camp, and no cat dared to tell me to go to my nest. Lionfang had sat with me for a while, until he left to go hunting with Cinderfur.

Ashfur had passed out, apparently, shortly after the patrol left. Brambleclaw and Thornclaw had to carry him back to the camp after Leafpool stabilized him. The day soon crept into sunhigh, and finally I was approached by one of my Clanmates. Mouseclaw dropped a vole in front of me and lay down beside me, warming my cold body with his own.

"You need to eat, Hollythorn." he reminded me. After a few seconds I tore into the prey, but I didn't talk to him. The memory of our heartbreaking conversation was still fresh in my mind. He purred suddenly, "Ashfur will be fine. Why don't you come to the den? You haven't slept in two days."

He was right. The night previous to this had been my vigil. My body hurt because it was so exhausted. I glared at him and hissed accusingly, "Why do you pretend to care so much, Mouseclaw?"

Resent and confusion struggled for dominance in my heart. Mouseclaw looked like he had been bitten. He growled, "How many times do I have to try and tell you? How many ways will I have to say it?"

I turned away from him and bounced to my paws, starting to stalk away from him. He pounded after me, wailing, "I do care about you, Hollythorn. I _want_ to be close to you!"

I froze and glanced at him bitterly from over my shoulder. He glared right back and added sadly, "Every time I try, you just push me away."

There was something about the depth of hurt, and regret, and longing in his eyes that winded me with shock. How was it possible? How could he care so very passionately about me when I never let him? Was _that_ love?

I didn't know _what_ it was, but the thorny barrier I had built around my heart was suddenly stomped down. The coldness I held him in melted away. I turned back to face him and sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, Mouseclaw. Everything is just so insane."

I shook my head, and he braved his way closer to me. He purred and licked my ears. I allowed a small smile to spread across my muzzle. It was at that very moment that Ashfur limped out of the den. He froze when he saw us.

I pulled away from Mouseclaw and cheered, "You're okay!" Lifting my tail I bounced over to him and reached forward to touch his nose with my own. I was stung when he turned his head away from me and took a few steps back. He growled angrily, "What are you doing with _him_?"

I narrowed my eyes, tired of the suspicion. "He was just talking to me, Ashfur."

The large gray tom snorted. "Not from what I saw. Isn't it _me_ that you love?" His body went rigid with fury and his eyes flashed. I suddenly felt like being so close to him was a very dangerous thing- though I stood my ground. Ashfur's voice became an eerie, shiver-worthy, whisper, "Oh, that's right."

The bite in his words actually forced me to flinch. He started walking away from me. I padded after him and demanded, "Wait!"

Ashfur whirled around on me so quickly that my fur fluffed in surprise and I shrank back, fearing he would strike at me. The genuine hate in his voice turned my blood to ice when he quietly warned, "Hollythorn, stay away from me." Turning around, he darted swiftly through the thorn barrier and into the forest.

Mouseclaw raced over to me and meowed desperately, "I didn't mean to make him upset with you!"

I flicked him with my tail. "It's okay, it wasn't your fault." He nodded miserably as I padded out of the camp. I asked Spiderleg, "Which way did he go?" Spiderleg nodded to the east- WindClan's border. Was he revisiting the scene of the battle?

I raced after his scent, following it closely through the slush of the thawing snow. I reached the stream, which was flowing dangerously fast after all this melted snow, and peered down the bank. Ashfur stood on the edge, looking into the icy black water.

I cautiously made my way towards him and asked, "Ashfur, what are you doing?"

He continued to gaze into the water, and he sighed. "I wonder what it feels like."

I took one step closer. "Like what feels like?"

He tilted his head, and his voice was both mystical, and coldly distant. "To drown. To have water fill your lungs and cut off your breath while you're still alive."

Panic thrilled through me when I realized what he was talking about. He was going to kill himself. Because of me, Ashfur was going to jump into the creek. ThunderClan cats can't swim!

"No, Ashfur!" I wailed. "Don't do it. Please, come to me."

He snapped his head to the side, and I flinched when I looked into his eyes. They blazed with a frightening disgust that made my skin crawl. I could tell immediately that this was not _my_ Ashfur. The one I have grown to know could never look so full of loathing.

He demanded, his voice devoid of all emotion, "Then tell me you love me, Hollythorn! I _told_ you I would die for you. I love you." He growled the next sentence one word at a time, dragging out it's meaning for greater emphasis. "I love you to_ death_."

His voice, his actions, finally unveiled that cryptic undercurrent I had previously been unable to understand. He loved me too much. He loved me more then the entire world. He would rather die then see me with Mouseclaw.

I finally understood just how lost Ashfur was.

The smoky gray tom whispered accusingly, "Don't you love me, too?"

His words chilled me to my very spine. I felt frozen with terror and I swear my heart stopped.

"_Say it!_" Ashfur wailed.

I winced and stuttered, "I- I…"

I lost my voice. That's that I did. My silence said it all. A dark understanding fluttered across his face and he crouched, determined and ready to fling himself into the water.

I realized he was less then a heartbeat away from a horrible end, and I knew it was my fault. I had to stop him.

_I hate you, Ashfur! I __hate__ you!_

_Why do you do these things to me?_

_I never wanted to play your game._

I lurched forward and balanced precariously on the slippery pebbles. I nudged him back just in time so that we weren't both knocked right into the fast water.

I wailed desperately, "I love you, Ashfur. Please, I love you! I could never live without you. Don't leave me all alone."

The words slipped out of my mouth with such force, such emotion, I wasn't even sure myself if it was a lie. That was what scared me the most.

Ashfur grabbed my scruff and tugged me away from the dangerous water's edge. He purred, and then licked at my face. I trembled against him as I realize how close one of us, _both_ of us, had just come to drowning.

Ashfur locked eyes with me, and I found myself completely pinned under his hungry blue stare. "Hollythorn, tell me how much you love me."

I swallowed hard, "More then life itself."

His eyes sparkled, and a smile spread across his face. How was it possible for any cat to look so sinister, and so happy, at the exact same time? He asked me, "Do you remember the day I said I would kill for you?"

Mouseclaw sprang to mind and my knees felt weak. It was all I could do to whisper, "I remember."

His eyes narrowed and he growled quietly, "I didn't mean that furball, Mouseclaw. If I wanted him gone, you and I both know he'd already be dead."

Both relief and suspicion flooded through me. My common sense screamed for me not to, but I had to know. "Who did you mean?" I asked him.

He turned away from me for a second, his gaze looking up towards Silverpelt. "Hollythorn, if _I_ can't have you-"

His passionate, cruel eyes flickered back to mine and the other half of his sentence made my mind start to crack. I knew right then that he was on the border of insanity and determined to drag me across with him.

His muzzle pressed against my ear and he whispered, "-_then nobody will_."

* * *


	9. Support Group

* * *

I sat by the river with Ashfur until dawn. He slept now, looking so peaceful after something so terrifying that it _hurt_ to see him. Once again, I was lost in a deep pool of my own feelings.

I didn't love him. Surely, I could not have such strong and final feelings for one who tormented me so. Played with me like a kitten does a beetle.

However, when I thought about what had just happened between us, my fur tingled despite my denial. Feelings were there if I liked it or not.

I was enticed by the danger that came along with my mate. The thrill that ran through my fur when he threatened me; or pinned me down with one of his strong, controlling, smoldering blue glares…

What words could explain what it did to me? The way I felt sort of liberated- because I was tired of following the warrior code like it was a religion. The way he dominated me made me want to purr- because for once _someone else_ was in charge.

He protected me so I could not be hurt by anyone but him. He loved me enough to do anything at all for me. He cherished me more then I had ever liked myself.

I _did_ love Ashfur.

And I hated myself for it.

* * *

A quarter of a moon passed. I had found some sort of peace within myself finally. I knew where I stood with Ashfur, and what I needed from him. I was trying to assert myself in the relationship a bit more to teach him what it was I wanted out of him. I didn't want him to change who he was for me, as long as he toned down the dangerous to a safe level.

He acted like a kitten now that he knew I was his and only his- to the end. I wasn't using him, but it gave me peace of mind to know we were no longer on shaky terms.

Tonight, we were headed out for a gathering. I was walking between Lionfang and Honeyleaf as we crossed into Windclan territory. Lionfang's eyes twinkled. "Our first gathering as warriors!"

I beamed. "I know! Tigerpaw and Dawnpaw will be so jealous." We smiled at one another mischievously before breaking apart. Lionfang ran ahead to talk to Cinderfur, and I stayed behind with Honeyleaf.

She looked tense and she asked me quietly, "Hollythorn, will you stay with me tonight?" Her eyes were wide with anxiety.

I tipped my head and asked, "What's wrong, Honeyleaf? Are you avoiding someone?"

Her eyes locked onto mine, and I feared the force of terror I saw in them. She whispered sadly, "Yes."

We were quiet the rest of the way as he crossed the log onto the island. It irritated me to see Lionfang was talking to Heatherpaw and Breezepaw. I halted to watch. Honeyleaf did the same, looking curious. After a few seconds Breezepaw began to bristle his fur and he hissed. Lionfang's claws scored the ground.

"Lionfang!" I called to him sharply. He reluctantly tore his eyes away from the Windclan tom and glanced at me. I shook my head disapprovingly. Now was not the time to fight. My brother growled at the black tom before padding over to me. I asked him, "What was that about?"

He snorted. "Breeze_wind_ was being prickly because I came to say hello to Heathersight."

"So they're warriors now, too?" I asked with only mild interest. I wasn't a friend with either; I could care less about the enemy warriors. Lionfang nodded, and then led Honeyleaf and myself over to Dawnpaw and Flamepaw.

Soon the meeting started, and consisted simply of announcements at first. When everything seemed to be said, Firesatar stepped forward. His eyes narrowed and he glared at Onestar. "I would like to know why Windclan keeps invading my territory!"

Onestar narrowed his eyes, his tail lashing aggressively. "It won't be your territory for very long."

Blackstar looked startled to hear about this news, but Leopardstar did not. She shared a glance with Onestar quite briefly. It did not go unnoticed. Almost every cat shifted uneasily at the sights of the new alliance between the old rivals clans.

Firestar's fur bristled and a deep growl bubbled out of his throat. Blackstar surprised us all a second time by intervening. "Firestar! Tonight is not the night for battles."

Lionfang muttered in shock, "Why is he being so… helpful?" Blackstar was known by all for his fearsome loyalty to just Shadowclan, and his frequent headstrongness.

Dawnpaw shrugged. "He has his days."

Firestar's tail lashed. "If any Windclan cat is so much as a kittenstep over the border, we'll shred them." He swarmed down the tree and stalked into the distance. Brambleclaw hastily called for all Thunderclan cats to follow.

Lionfang raced over there, but Honeyleaf and I were cut off by the Riverclan tom Pouncefoot. His eyes sparkled as he smiled at Honeyleaf. Her fur fluffed out and she pressed against me. I could smell her fear-scent thickly stinging the air.

"Honeyleaf, it's good to see you made it here tonight." Pouncefoot greeted, a light of arrogance in his eyes. My friend whimpered and her body stiffened. Pouncefoot chuckled, "What's the matter? I just came to say hello!"

I don't know what made her so terrified of him all of the sudden, but every instinct I had screeched for me to defend her when she clearly would not do it herself. I took a step forward, coming to stand almost nose-to-nose with Pouncefoot. My hackles rose and I snarled threateningly, "If you don't leave her alone, you'll regret it."

The larger, elder warrior seemed to flood with defiance. His claws unsheathed and his lip curled into a snarl. "Just try it, Hollythorn. _I dare you._"

I bunched up my muscles to spring on him, but I didn't get the chance. A gray tail brushed against my shoulder reassuringly as Ashfur came to stand beside me. His body was calm and relaxed, but his eyes were so furious you could call them territorial. He wasn't simply defending his clan mates; he was protecting his _mate_ and her closest friend.

"Is a fight _really_ what you want, Pouncefoot?" Ashfur asked, his voice so quiet and icy it made me, Honeyleaf, and Pouncefoot shiver. I was shocked- Ashfur was actually letting someone else see his darker and more dangerous side?

Seeing him out numbered, Reedwhisker and Voletooth inched their way closer to us. They didn't have the chance to come back their clanmate up, because Pouncefoot growled nervously and stumbled away from Ashfur.

Brambleclaw joined us a second later, his eyes wide. "What was that about, Hollythorn?"

I forced myself to relax and shook my head. "I don't even know."

A few seconds passed before he nodded. He glanced at Ashfur, "Come talk with me." A moment later the two of them padded after out clanmates, glancing suspiciously at us once or twice as they went. Soon, I was alone on the island with Holeyleaf- and Lionfang, who lurked in the distance waiting for us like a bodyguard.

I glanced at Honeyleaf and asked, "What _was_ that about? Why are you so afraid of Pouncefoot? He's got more bark then bite."

"Can you keep as secret? On your life?" She asked me. I almost laughed once at the bitter irony in such a question. I nodded with total seriousness. She shivered again before it all spilled out. "I'm going to have his kits! I d-didn't w-want them! He just- he…"

She shook her head sadly. I felt myself go cold with horror. He forced himself upon her! I licked her ear, trying to comfort her. "It's okay, Honeyleaf. It isn't your fault, you didn't ask for it to happen."

Misty eyed, she nodded slowly and whispered, "I know. Birchfall chase him off w-when it happened. He said he'd claim the kits as his own, that he would be their father for me."

I wondered if Ashfur would do that for me. Something told me that he would. I asked, "When are they coming?"

"In a quarter moon." She answered quietly.

So soon! Her long fur really had hidden the bulge well. I set my tail on her shoulders as I led her closer to Lionfang. "Don't worry about anything, Honeyleaf. Birchfall is take care of you, and I will make sure Pouncefoot stays away. Okay?"

She rubbed her cheek against mine and purred, "Okay."

* * *


	10. The Horror

* * *

Honeyleaf _and_ Poppyspots joined the nursery that night.

The next morning, I was sulking a little bit when I returned from the morning hunting patrol. Ashfur, his paws muddy from the border patrol, noticed my low spirits and came over to me. "Hollythorn, is something the matter?"

I shook my head, looking away from him. "No, everything is fine Ashfur."

"Are you sure?" He asked, sounding deeply worried.

I looked at him, forcing myself to look cheerful. "Do you want to go hunt?" I still wasn't tired from earlier, and maybe the exercise could work off some of my sudden kit-centric thoughts.

Ashfur silently followed me out into the forest. We tried to hunt for a while. I was so distracted that I missed two birds and a vole. I felt my fur fluff out in anger as the vole disappeared under some gorse. I snarled, "Foxdung!"

I felt a nudge of my shoulder, and found myself looking into Ashfur's worried blue eyes a moment later. He invited, "You can tell me, Hollythorn. I want you to."

His worried eyes and inviting voice ripped down my secretive barrier. "It's just that… It feels like everyone _but_ me will be having kits soon." I knew that was not true. There were only two queens, but they were my friends. It really hit home to realize that my kits- whenever I may have some- would not grow up as denmates of my friend's kits.

His eyes lit up, and he purred, "We could have some! I've _always_ wanted kits. I have to see Ferncloud have hers. And even Cloudtail and Squirrelflight…" His voice trailed off as he drifted into memories.

It was painful to hear how happy he was. I shifted uncertainly, "I don't know. I mean, maybe we better wait a couple of seasons…"

His head snapped up, and his blazing blue oceans started to drown me. "Why? I am not as young a cat as you are, Hollythorn. What if I don't _have_ a few seasons left?" Desperation and panic gripped him; I could hear it in his voice. I could see it in his eyes.

It startled me to consider the idea of him dying. I never asked for him, and some part of me would always hate him, but he was still mine. He was my Ashfur, and he was all I really had. I didn't want to see the day he joined Starclan. Still, that didn't exactly change my mind. He was a strong, experienced warrior. He was a fighter on par with Lionblaze! He would live to see eldership!

"I don't think that I am ready for that yet." I argued, sounding more defiant than anything.

His dark half took over. His eyes clouded lifelessly and he snarled, flexing his claws. He had changed. He was not himself anymore. "No!" He wailed. "What if something happens to me? What if I die? My blood will never live. _Our_ blood will never become."

A gnawing worry started to eat at my gut. I lowered my ears timidly. "Ashfur, you're scaring me." It was true, too. My heart was thudding painfully against my chest. I had never seen him so worked up before, which was really saying something.

Ashfur pressed his cheek against mine, and I flinched but didn't move away. He purred quietly, tenderly, "I love you, Hollythorn. Don't be frightened."

I purred back, rubbing my head against his neck. "I love you too, Ashfur. I would do anything for you, except I-"

Ashfur narrowed his eyes, the fierce mistrust in them shocking me into silence. His sinister snarl made me shiver. "_Prove it_."

The dead tone of his voice made m fur stand on end. My instincts kicked in on full alert, and I just knew that I was in danger. My paws started to itch anxiously, begging me to make my decision. The simplest and most primal of all instincts. Fight or flight. I needed to turn on him, or I needed to run back to the camp.

Ashfur took my motionlessness in the wrong mind-set. He padded behind me, brushing his shoulder against my flank. His teeth pinched my scruff firmly and I felt my muscles freeze up one by one. I was literally paralyzed by sheet, absolute terror.

Ashfur purred and commenced the breeding. I couldn't struggle against him, or attempt to flee. I couldn't yowl for help. Ashfur's very presence was too powerful for me to defy. He has his claws sunk deeply into my heart, and he owned my very soul. I belonged to Ashfur. I was powerless against him.

My mind was devastated by horror, and my spirit was broken too.

* * *

A quarter moon passed quickly. I had become Ashfur's puppet. When he wanted to hunt we hunted. When he wanted to sit and talk, I answered. Even after this long, I was in shock over what had happened. I didn't tell anyone, not even Honeyleaf yet. I was not ready to talk about it. For now, this dark secret was mine along to suffer.

On this chilly morning, I lay in the center of the camp when a sharp pain rippled through my stomach. I jerked and stood up, whimpering at the shocking throb in my gut. Fear washed through me. It _couldn't_ be! Not after just the one time?

I padded into the medicine cat's den and found Jaywing sorting herbs. He asked, "What do you need, Hollythorn?"

I shuffled my paws a little. "My stomach muscles hurt."

He flicked his tail towards a spare nest of moss. "Well lay down so I can see what you did."

I glared at him. Why did he assume I had caused this? With a sigh, I lay down and nervously flexed my paws. Jaywing sat beside me and lifted a paw, gently starting to prod my belly. After a few seconds his sightless gray-blue eyes narrowed into concentrated slits.

"You're not cramping. Nothing is torn…" I could tell he was thinking hard now. A spasm gripped me again and I squeaked. Jaywing removed his pad a moment later and his face brightened immensely. "Hollythorn! You're _pregnant_!"

Before I could say or do anything he darted into the deeper regions of the den. A few moments later he returned, dropping some leaves at me. "These will stop the pains. How far along are you?"

I tried not to wince. "A quarter moon today."

Jaywing purred, nudging me heartily. "I'm going to be an uncle twice over!" I could see plain joy shining in his eyes. I knew I had to play along. It was going to be expected of me to be happy.

"Yes, isn't it just wonderful?" I asked with forced-optimism that seemed to tear my throat apart. Jaywing nodded with enthusiasm.

I left to find Ashfur. He had gotten what he wanted. All it costed was my body and my sanity. I hoped it was worth it to him. I hoped me could look me in the eye and honestly feel no regret.

At least then, one of us could.

* * *

After I told Ashfur the news, I sought out Honeyleaf. I had wanted to keep the happenings under wraps a little longer, but she instantly noticed the change in me. I suppose, having gone through it herself, that was expected.

Honeyleaf and I agreed to be supportive of one another, and look after each other's kits. She told me that she was working on getting over what Pouncefoot did, with Birchfall's help, and told me that I would move past my own experience.

I admitted to her that I didn't feel particularly like I had been attacked. Ashfur was my mate, and every warrior should have the chance to have kits. I was as okay with it as I possibly could be.

That same night, I lay with Ashfur in the den for the final time before moving to the nursery. He was curled up against me, his strong, warm body making my own feel sweaty. It was a hot night, with his breath dripping down my neck.

My hollow eyes looked out into the camp, and I had never before felt so cold.

* * *

**_A/N_**: _I'm terribly sorry with the lapse in time between the last update and this one. I've been fighting against depression, and it tends to distract a person from focusing long enough to write a whole chapter.

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	11. Time Skip

_

* * *

Six hours passed. _Leafpool and Jaywing treated Honeyleaf for an emergency delivery. Something went wrong; one of the kittens was breached. They rescued her, but her brothers were stillborn. Birchfall and Honeyleaf mourned the loss of their sons. Bark-kit, a pale brown tabby she-cat, was welcomed into the world that much more because of the tragedy.

The following night was the half-moon. Mothwing reported that Pouncefoot was found dead at the Greenleaf Twoleg Place on their border. He drown in the lake somehow and Riverclan was distraught. Honeyleaf and I could not have been more relived.

_Six days passed._ Poppyspots had two healthy kits. Dapplekit is a black-flecked, golden brown tabby tom. Sunpaw takes after Lionblaze. She is a large, golden tabby she-cat and shares his amber eyes.

_Six weeks passed._ Foxpaw and Icepaw rescued Firestar after a huge raccoon injured him. They soon after earned their warrior names of Foxfur and Iceheart.

My two lovely kits were born. Whitekit is a very pale gray she-cat with dark blue eyes. Powderkit is a dark gray tabby tom with green eyes. I love them more than I thought ever possible. They were my heart and my soul. They were the things that gave my life meaning.

_Six months passed._ _Welcome to present-day._

"Mother!" Two excited voices squealed in synchronization. I lifted my head from where I was hollowly sharing tongues with Ashfur to see our kits charging this direction. They had been with the elders, listening to stories about the old days.

Ashfur shot his head up and ordered sharply, "Slow down, you two!"

Our large kits were bundling straight for Millie and Graystripe's three kittens. Featherkit was a light gray she-cat with amber eyes. Silverkit was a silver tabby she-cat with amber eyes. Tallkit was a long-legged, solid gray tom with blue eyes. They were barely old enough to be out of the nursery at just a half moon in age, and they could be seriously injured if stepped on.

Whitekit skidded to a halt, grabbing Powderkit by his scruff to slow him down. They both ducked their heads under their father's stern look and padded carefully over to us.

"What's the hurry?" I asked them.

Powderkit's green eyes were glowing and he announced, "Firestar said we're becoming apprentices today!"

"Our mentors are picked out and everything!" Whitekit added gleefully. She raised her tail in pride and added, "I hope I get a good mentor. I want the _best_ warrior to train me!"

"It's can't be Stormfur or Whitewing." Powderkit pointed out. "They have Dapplepaw and Sunpaw as apprentices."

His sister nodded. "Yes, and Sorreltail has Barkpaw."

I purred in amusement, assuring my kits, "_All_ Thunderclan cats are great warriors. I'm sure whoever you get will train you two to be the best you can be."

Ashfur flicked his ears towards the highledge. "It looks like Firestar is ready. Come along, everyone."

Firestar called the clan meeting a moment later. I crossed the camp with my bundles of energy hopping at my sides. We three nestled in the shadow of the highledge, looking out upon the clans. I couldn't have felt any more proud then I did at that moment, seeing how happy everyone looked for this important ceremony to be taking place. Knowing that these were _my_ kits being smiled upon by Starclan this morning.

Ashfur's eyes were sparkling with happiness, and I heard him purring something to Ferncloud, who smiled and nudged him heartily.

My focus was finally caught my Firestar's voice as he announced, "Mouseclaw! You are ready for your first apprentices, and you will be mentor to Whitepaw." I couldn't deny the thrill of joy I felt when my once almost-love strutted forward, touching noses with my daughter. Firestar continued, "You learned many valued skills from Spiderleg, and I expect you to pass them onto this apprentice."

The clan cheered for them, and Powderpaw jittered impatiently at my side, his eyes scanning the crowd. Firestar announced, "Lionfang! You are also ready for your first apprentice, and you will be mentor to Powderpaw." A purr escaped my throat, and Powderpaw's fur fluffed out happily as my brother proudly stalked forward. Powderpaw dashed over to greet him. Firestar announced, "Ashfur trained you well, and your strength is always an aid to the clan. I expect you to teach this young apprentice what his father taught to you."

Firestar sprang down from the ledge, signaling the end of the clan meeting. He brushed shoulders with Sandstorm and they headed out of the camp. Brambleclaw started barking out orders for the day's patrols and hunting assignments.

My ears perked when I heard my own name. "Hollythorn," my father spoke. "Would you like to lead a hunt today?"

I missed my warrior duties. I'd secret admit that it was better than I had ever expected to be a mother, but some part of my would _always_ want to be patrolling the borders. Hunting for my clan. Fighting to protect my clan mates.

"Sure." I accepted happily. I'd get my chance to skirmish along the borders soon enough, once I lost all the softness in my muscles that develop when a she-cat becomes a queen. Chasing squirrels was good enough for me.

The clan began to break apart. A warm voice from my side made me stiffen. "Aren't they great?"

I glanced over my shoulder, finding Ashfur staring at our kits as they spoke with their new mentors. His deep blue eyes pierced my soul like a claw, and I fell into safe mode. Safe mode was what I called my need to do anything I had to if it meant keeping him happy. I never wanted to see dark-Ashfur again.

"Yes. They're great." I agreed, unable to stop my voice from trembling. As a queen I was constantly around someone else, and half the clan always had his or her spare eye on me. It was just how we worked, naturally protective of the cats that couldn't defend themselves, and all that.

Now that I was a warrior again my tormentor, my captor, had total and sole control over me again.

For the first time in two seasons, Ashfur brushed his cheek against mine. I flinched and my claws score the ground below them, forcing my body not to shy away. Last time he had done that… My fur prickled uncomfortably.

I tried to distract him. I whispered, "Are you coming on the hunting patrol with me, Ashfur?"

He blinked at me, looking surprised. "I'm leading the sunhigh patrol, I wouldn't have the time. Weren't you listening to Brambleclaw?"

I shook my head, "I was distracted. I don't know who is going where at all today."

Ashfur purred in amusement, "I see." He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment and suggested, "We can go out for a moonhigh stroll together tonight, if you're not too tired."

I forced myself to purr, and nodded stiffly. Ashfur pressed his nose against mine quickly before he bounded over to Spiderleg, Stormfur, and Dapplepaw. I let my muscles relax. At least for now, in any case.

I turned around to see Jaywing not two tail-lengths away, watching me with his sightless blue eyes. His tail tip was twitching quickly and his ears were perked, as if he had been listening to us.

I narrowed my eyes, panic with what he may have heard turning me hostile. My brother's uncanny ability to sense emotions... could he pick up on my fear? I snarled, "Why are you eavesdropping on my private conversation, Jaywing?"

He was unaffected by the barrier of aggression. He answered coolly, "Oh, was it private? I'm sorry, I didn't know that talking, rather loudly, in the center of the camp counted."

I frowned, my eyes darting side-to-side suspiciously. A few of the others were watching us curiously. I hissed furiously, under my breath of course, "Don't you have some herbs to go sort?" I whirled around and started to stalk to the warrior's den to collect a patrol.

"Hollythorn, wait!" My brother pled, racing to my side. I halted instinctively, glancing at him. He asked imploringly, "Is Ashfur-" Cutting himself off abruptly, he sighed. "Hey, just try to have some fun on the hunt, okay? You seem more... _tense_ then usual." He flicked his tail at me and loped to Leafpool without another word passing between us.

I shook my head and slipped into the warrior's den. Only three cats in it, lazy lumps! It was barely morning. I invited, "Birchfall, Honeyleaf, Foxfur; would you like to come on the hunt with me?"

Foxfur sprang to his paws. "Sure, Hollythorn!" The bored young tom padded swiftly out of the den. He must have had a lot of pent up energy.

My friend and her mate followed us out of the camp. Soon, Foxfur and I had fallen behind the elder cats. Birchfall pressed his body gently against Honeyleaf's. They fell into step with each other and both purred quietly, seeming content and happy as they moved as one. My heart pulsated painfully as my longing for such a bond grew.

Birchfall had claimed Barkpaw as his own after he rescued Honeyleaf from her attacker, seven moons ago. He treated the young she-cat as if she really _was_ his own. Such devotion to Honeyleaf- such love!

I knew I didn't need love or devotion. I did have that those. My problem was that while I felt so little pure love for Ashfur, he felt two times too much for it to be healthy. For it to be _safe_.

Well, that's wasn't really true, was it? Did I really hate Ashfur, even after what he had done to me; or did I just hate it that he couldn't bear to let go of that enticing grip he had on me?

Was it possible that I cared about him in such an unconventional and abstract way, that I didn't even realize it?

Well, I guess that's what _blinded by love_ really meant at the end of the day.

* * *

_**AN**: Hey, guys! How many of you would read this story, if I wrote it in Ashfur's POV?

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	12. Break Away

* * *

I feigned sleep that night to get out of the alone time with Ashfur. Two days later he asked if we could go hunting near the Windclan forest. A desperate glance towards Brambleclaw made him tell me to join Brackenfur and Brook on the dawn patrol. I didn't see Ashfur again all day because I was also on the sunset patrol with Brambleclaw, Iceheart, and Berrynose.

I was extremely pleased when Brambleclaw didn't ask me about why I had seemed so hasty to escape Ashfur. He had his fair share of spats with Squirrelflight in their day, he probably assumed we were just fighting and it was tense being around him. If only he knew!

Today, however, I had no such luck. As soon as I exited the warrior's den in the morning, Cloudtail came up to me. He reported, "You're on the dawn patrol again today, Hollythorn."

I dipped my head to the senior warrior, glancing at the bramble tunnel. I was dismayed to see Ashfur sitting there. Brightheart, Whitewing, Dapplepaw, and Cinderfur were with him.

I was nearly to them when Ashfur piped up, speaking to Brightheart. "We haven't had any trouble with the other clans recently. I don't think we need a patrol this large. Would you mind if Hollythorn and I hunted this morning, Brightheart?"

I perked my eyes in alert, silently willing the she-cat to tell Ashfur that the patrol should not split up. Instead, her eye shined and she purred, "Of course, Ashfur. You two have fun." She signaled to the others, and they swarmed out of the camp.

I slunk beside Ashfur, lowering my head a little bit. Ashfur smiled at me, "At last! Are you ready to go?" His voice was quiet, but forceful. I was not going to weasel out of this like I had the last two times.

I blinked slowly and nodded, trying to hide the tension in my voice. "Yes, lets go."

I started to leave with him when Lionfang and Powderpaw appeared. Lionfang thrust himself in Ashfur's way, blocking the camp entrance. He asked cheerfully, "Can we come?"

Ashfur looked taken-aback. His minor moment of being off guard snapped to aggression a few seconds later. He sounded testy when he answered, "There are plenty of other cats around. Powderpaw needs to be training with other apprentices. Why don't you invite Stormfur and Sunpaw out today?"

My brother's tail began to lash threateningly. "The _other_ cats are not my only sister; the mother of my apprentice. What's wrong with a little family bonding time, Ashfur?"

I glared at Lionfang, deeply suspicious. He'd never acted like this before. What was his problem? Ashfur hissed at his former apprentice, "We wanted to be alone today, if you don't mind!"

Lionfang took a challenging step forward, coming almost nose-to-nose with Ashfur. His eyes blazed and he snarled under his breath, too quietly for Powderpaw to hear. "_You_ want to be alone, but does _she_?"

That set of depthless blue eyes snapped onto me, and I couldn't recall a time that Ashfur had ever looked so confused. Anger began to sparkle in those dark blue pools, sending a shiver down my spine. For once, I was sure my eyes were just as confused and angry as his were.

Of course, my mate realized this. He tensed his shoulders, ready to spring on top of Lionfang and get him out of the way. I rather forcefully pushed my way in between them. My tail brushed Lionfang's neck, and I licked Ashfur's ear as I purred gently. I murmured, "I'll handle this, alright?"

He glared at me for a moment before releasing his held breath. His body totally relaxed, and he nodded. He meowed, "Powderpaw, why don't we go wait for them outside of the hollow?"

I watched my tomcat and my son pad silently towards of the thorn tunnel. Ashfur glanced over his shoulder, and I flinched as he fiercely ordered, "Don't be long, Hollythorn."

They disappeared a moment later. I glared at Lionfang and demanded hotly, "What in Starclan's name was all of _that_?"

He glared right back, stubbornness in his voice. "You tell me."

For one long moment, I felt my hackles prickling as Lionfang's intense amber eyes bore into me. It was a concentration I knew only too well. Jaywing was behind this! I looked away and answered icily, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Lionfang's fur started to bristle. He sounded distressed and he wailed, perhaps just a little too loudly, "Hollythorn, you can tell me! _Trust me_. Jaywing knows something isn't right between you two. He says he can feel it whenever you're together."

I surprised myself when I struck my unsheathed paw out at my brother. He sprang backwards, effetely moving out of my way. I snarled, "You're wrong! I _love_ him, Lionfang. Stay out of my life, and tell Jaywing to back off, too." Raising my tail indignantly, I slipped into the forest and padded away at my mates side.

As soon as we were far enough out in the forest to not be overheard, Ashfur rounded on me. His ears pinned back against his head and his eyes crackled with mistrust. He snarled gutturally, "What did you tell him?"

I flattened myself against the ground, feeling my entire pelt fluff out in terror. I gaped at him for a second. How could he believe that I told our secret? After all this time I had been loyal to him! I struggled through my sudden cloud of fear and whimpered, "I didn't say anything! I swear it by Starclan, I _wouldn't_! Don't... don't you know that, Ashfur?" My heart thudded painfully against my chest, and I knew there was sorrow in my eyes.

He growled uneasily, his tail starting to lash like an angry whip. His eyes still looked unconvinced. I felt anger, _rage_, flare to life inside of my heart. How dare he not trust me!

I shakily rose to my full height, daringly glaring directly into Ashfur's eyes. I gave him a snarl of my own for once, "That's the truth, you big mouse-brain! If you don't believe me then it's your loss!" Whirling around, I stalked sharply away from him, fuming silently. I was done with him if, at the _very_ least; after all the pain, and abuse, and horror he had put me through, I didn't have his trust.

Ashfur yowled in surprise and horror, and he ran up beside me, shouldering me against a tree trunk. His wounded eyes smothered me with guilt. "You're leaving me? Y-you can't! I'm so sorry, Hollythorn. Please stay; I love you. I can change..."

For once, I realized that I was in total control of us. I felt stunned down to my very bone. I hated this feeling of such total power; having the tom I loved literally begging at my paws for me not to walk away. It made me feel _sick_. I could see desperation and heartbreak in his eyes. I knew that now was the time that I could either totally empower him forever, or break him where he stood. It all depended on the decision I made.

He would never change. He was always going to do this to me. It was impossible for us to have a healthy, even relationship. He was just too... messed up. He either had to be totally dominant of me, or as mindlessly needy as a kit. Change! Hah, I laughed at the idea.

_I hate you, Ashfur. Why can't you just love me? If you did, you'd never hurt me like this. You'd want to protect me. You would let me be free. You would stop living my life, and just let me free._

I turned my head away from him, and we were silent for a few seconds. A light seemed to spark to life in my head. I could test him. I could find out, right now, if he really _did_ love me. He would walk away. I whispered sadly, "I'm sorry." And it was true, I was. Those two words must be painful to hear. I didn't ever want to cause him pain.

He instantly backed away from me. As I expected, his voice was full of malice when he hissed, "So, that's how it has to be? I gave you my life, I gave you two kits, and you can just turn away from me?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing I'd crumble if I looked at him. It felt like my heart was being torn out and lay at his feet. I could only hope he would show mercy. I tensed my muscles and voiced my deepest-rooted horror, "I never asked for them."

I had to be brave. I had to be a warrior. I opened my eyes, and glanced miserably at my tomcat. We just stood there, staring at each other. His eyes were cloudy with surprise and confusion. Eventually he asked, "So, without them, you...?" He trailed off, at a loss for words.

I admitted, "I might be happy with you now." If he had never forced himself upon me, would we be like Honeyleaf and Birchfall right now?

He lowered his head bitterly and asked, "Is this _really_ what you want?"

My head started to spin, and I felt a little dizzy with elation. I had been right. He honestly did love me enough to let me go. Because it would make me happy, and it _was_ what I wanted. He did truly care about me. I knew that I did love him back, but in all the wrong ways. We just had to go our separate ways. It was best for him, and for me.

"Yes. It is." I answered confidently.

Those pretty blue eyes began to sparkle with pain, and it reminded me of the silverpelt at midnight. Nodding slightly, he lifted his head to look at me. I'd never seen him look so heart broken before. It was like he was bleeding from his very soul. His voice held enough grief for a thousand cats when he whispered; "I'll do anything for you, Hollythorn. If is has to be this way, then it has to be." He turned away and bolted through the forest.

I would have liked to say goodbye to him. I will be seeing him every day for the rest of our lives, but it was never going to be the same between us. After the sun rose upon a new day tomorrow, I could start to try and forget about these past few seasons. I could begin to heal. We would distance ourselves and move it.

I was so drained from that conversation, and so unaccustomed to not feeling like ivy was binding me down, that I just sank to the ground and stayed there until the sun had begun to set. I knew the others would be worried about me, having disappeared for an entire day. Pushing myself to my paws I sprinted back to the hollow.

The instant I had entered the camp, my brothers cornered me. Lionfang's eyes shined with anguish as he gazed at me. Jaywing spoke, clearly trying to be gentle, "Hollythorn, we know that Ashfur is hurting you. I almost chocked on your fear earlier. I can sense your helplessness when you're with him."

Lionfang insisted desperately, "You _don't _have to let him control you. We will help you get away from him. Please let us help you! We cannot just sit by quietly anymore."

"We can tell Firestar." Jaywing suggested. "He can make Ashfur leave you alone once and for all."

I was touched that they cared so much, but a little scared. It had taken them this long to figure it out, and no other cat had. Would the clan even believe them? Shaking my head I responded weakly, "It's alright now, you two. I had a talk with him. He said he'd leave me alone. Well, he implied it at least."

"Was he angry?" Jaywing asked suddenly.

I blinked in surprise. "No, not really. He seemed upset more than anything else."

Jaywing's entire body tensed. "Hollythorn," he spoke gravely, "The kits? Did he ever say he would leave Powderpaw and Whitepaw alone?"

Panic thrilled down my spine, setting my nerves on fire. "Why?"

My brothers shared an uncomfortable look, even though Jaywing couldn't actually see Lionfang. Lionfang meowed, "He took them to the Sky Oak. He said he was going to practice some climbing with them."

The instant I heard that, my mind snapped to Cinderfur. As apprentices, Cinderfur fell after coaxing Mouseclaw down, and she broke her leg. It was fine now thanks to Jaywing, but there had been a chance that she'd never be a warrior. She hadn't even been half way up when she fell.

_My_ kits were fearless. If their father encouraged it, they'd try to reach the top. My son and daughter, the lights of my dark life, were in danger. Ashfur was going to put them in danger.

My heart skipped a beat, and I sprang to my paws. Without a word to anyone, I tore out into the forest and raced towards the lake. I heard my brothers stumbling behind me as I ran ahead of them. Blood began t0 pound in my ears, and I could swear I felt Starclan granting me speed as I practically flew across the forest floor.

Sky Oak. I _had_ to get to the Sky Oak.

* * *


	13. The End

* * *

The great tree came into sight, and I skidded over to its roots. Heaving for breath to replenish my burning lungs, I looked up.

Powderpaw was so far up the tree, on the thin upper branches, that I could barely see his dark gray coat against the pale twilight sky. Whitepaw was just over half way up. A branch ahead of her, Ashfur gently reassured her, "Come on, dear, I will keep you safe." His voice was dead, emotionless. His eyes were dark and his face twisted with a sinister scowl.

My brothers stumbled beside me. I glanced at Lionfang, the lesser climber of us. "Go get her down!" I was lighter and better balanced. I would get Powderpaw. Ashfur heard me, and he snapped his eyes onto us.

He jumped down onto the branch beside Whitepaw. It wobbled and she cried out in fear. Ashfur set his large paw on her back and growled, "Take one step, Lionfang, and I'll knock her off!" Lionfang instantly froze. Jaywing growled in fear and confusion, flattening his ears. He didn't need to see what was going on to understand what was going on.

I swallowed my fear and began clawing my way up to the pair of them. Ashfur swiveled his head and looked at me. He asked quietly, "Hollythorn, what's going on? Isn't this what you wanted?"

I sprang a branch closer. "_What_? Why would I want this?"

He unsheathed his claws, and they dug into Whitepaw's back. She squeaked, flinching in pain. He meowed sadly, "It was the only way we could stay together! You said you'd be happy without them. I know you don't have the heart to get rid of them; you're their mother. That's okay. I can do it! My heart _only_ cries for you."

He chuckled in insanity, and started trying to push Whitepaw off. She squealed in fear, her claws splintering deeply into the wood. I pounced the distance between us, landing precariously on the branch. Grabbing Ashfur's scruff, I heaved him away from out daughter. Lionfang instantly began to swarm up and rescue her.

I had to distract Ashfur. I curled my tail around his neck and gently nudged him closer to the trunk of the tree. "I didn't mean this, Ashfur! I love them just like I love you."

He glared accusingly at me. "How can that be? How can you possibly love me the same way, if you're forced to share your heart for them?"

I narrowed my eyes in challenge. "Brindleface loved you, Ferncloud, _and_ Cloudtail, didn't she?"

Lionfang was on the branch below us, urgently mewing to Whitepaw. She glanced at us, looking shell-shocked. I caught her eye and nodded very minutely. She scrabbled down, pressing her face against Lionfang's strong shoulder. He plucked the small she-cat off the branch in his powerful jaws, struggling to carry the heavy burden safely to the ground. He did make it, though, and he shoved her over to Jaywing.

Ashfur has retreated into himself, staring unseeingly at me. After a few seconds the wind blew, roaring fast and furiously through the forest. The Sky Oak moaned as the vicious gust forced it to lean to the side. Powderpaw yowled in terror and my heart nearly burst with fear.

"Go get him, Ashfur!" I begged, panicking. "Go! You can't let him fall!"

Ashfur's eyes suddenly became clearer then I had ever seen him. He whirled around and started darting up the tree like a squirrel. I followed more carefully, trying to keep my footing on the rain-smoothed bark. Powderpaw saw us coming up, and he frantically tried to climb down and meet us half way. I gasped, "Don't move!"

It was too late. The combination of the strong, stormy winds; and both mine and Ashfur's weight shaking the tree, made it rattle so hard Powderpaw stumbled on the swaying branch he landed upon. Slipping off, he started spiraling towards the ground.

For one fleeting second, I saw hope. He was hurtling right towards Ashfur's position. He was close enough for Ashfur to grab and yank to safety. To my dismay, Ashfur backed away and let him fall, and fall, and fall.

I winced as his little body hit the ground with a snap. I knew it was over then. At lest he had gone fast, at least. Despite the fact that nothing would survive such a fall, Jaywing rushed over to my sons limp body.

Whitepaw let out a cry of anguish. Jaywing nudged the broken spine helplessly. Lionfang hung his head. My kit, my poor little Powderpaw, was dead; and it was all Ashfur's fault!

I whipped my head to the side and caterwauled, "_Murderer!_" My fearsome cry echoed above even the wind. Ashfur met my eye. His were wide and terrified, and he looked as vulnerable as one of Millie's newborn kits.

He protested, "No! No, I didn't w-want this! I only wanted..." He started to tremble, closing his eyes.

I sprang up a few branches, coming to stand across from him. I snarled, my entire body quaking with the force. I felt like the blood of the ancient clans had begun to pump through me. The ferocity of Lionclan. The instinct of Leopardclan. The desire to kill from Tigerclan. I hissed, "You led your only son to his death! You monster!"

Fury coursed through my body like molten lava, and without stopping to think of our location I sprang at Ashfur with all the might my body could produce.

I barreled into him, and we both fell right out of the Sky Oak. Ashfur dug his claws deeply into my shoulders as we lurched through the empty air, plummeting fast towards the hard ground. Ashfur's back leg pinched my side, holding me still as his body went totally limp. He whispered, "I'm sorry, Hollythorn. For everything."

The next thing I knew I had been pressed against Ashfur's body, and the world came to a standstill. I felt the body beneath me go totally rigid for an instant, then totally relax as probably ever bone in my dear toms body was shattered. I forced myself to open my eyes. Ashfur lay under my paws, dead. His neck was broken, and his head had fallen to an awkward angle.

I stumbled off of Ashfur's body, shaking badly as I collapsed against the ground. He had saved me by making sure he took all of the impact. He put himself in between me and the ground like a cushion.

I heard other cats come onto the scene, but I was unable to focus on the words and scents. All I could hear were those final words. _I'm sorry, Hollythorn. For everything._

_For everything._

_For everything._

He had sounded so hurt, and so lost, and still so terribly loving at the exact same time. I closed my eyes and shook my head, shuttering as I tried to block out the horror. The pain that was now aching through my entire body, surely bruising me on my belly and legs, sort of helped.

_I_ was the murderer. _I_ killed my own mate!

Some cat nudged me. I assumed it was Jaywing taking a damage toll. I opened my eyes to ask him to leave, but it was not my brother. It was my father, Brambleclaw. Behind him was a small patrol, made up of Iceheart, Thornclaw, and Stormfur.

Brambleclaw's eyes were cold as he licked my ear, nudging me to my paws. He didn't even ask what had happened. He glared at the other warriors and assured stonily, "An accident. This was _all_ simply an accident, right Lionfang?"

He glanced at his son, who very quickly nodded agreeably. Brambleclaw ordered calmly, "Take the bodies back to the hollow so we can sit vigil." I watched the four warriors drag my boys away from me. Whitepaw stumbled blindly after Lionfang as he followed.

Jaywing set some herb sin front of me; still smelling of the dirt he must have hastily plucked them from. I ate them blindly, too shaken to do anything else. Brambleclaw asked gently, "Are you alright?"

I whispered so quietly I was positive I was talking to myself. "They're gone." I started to tremble, not feeling strong enough to stand. I had to lean on Brambleclaw, and he gently grabbed my scruff to support me.

"It's the shock." Jaywing assured our father. "She took quite the fall, she will be stiff and sore for a long time. She will recover from both, though, in time."

I felt the big tabby nod. Brambleclaw and Jaywing supported me as I trailed back towards the camp, looking at my paws. I was too numb and exhausted to do anything else.

Whitepaw and Barkpaw sat with Powderpaw at the vigil, Lionfang lingering close behind. I dragged myself over to them, licking my poor Powderpaw's fur for the final time. After a while I shakily walked away, heading towards Ashfur. Squirrelflight and Ferncloud were with his body, Cloudtail and Birchfall not far away.

My mother respectfully moved a few tail-lengths away when she spotted me. Ferncloud was on her belly, her nose pressed deeply into her brother's fur. I didn't disturb her, and she didn't even look at me. I sat down and stared at the peaceful, blank face. I started to think.

Now, and only now, I really was free. He couldn't control me anymore. He would never hurt me again. I had my life back. I was free to love Mouseclaw now, like I always wanted. Right?

_Was_ it right?

I had risked my life for him to save him once. I felt empty now that he was really gone. He _was _my life, and now half of me was just missing. I didn't feel ready to let him go. Maybe, just maybe, _that_ was what love was. That empty sort of wanting, that painfully agonizing need to have him back with me. If only for one second so I could tell him that I really did love him, and some part of me always would.

Closing my eyes, I sank onto my belly and rasped my tongue across my beloved's check, a soft purr rumbling out of my throat. I could swear that I felt a brush of cold against my face, and I heard a distant purr roll into my ear.

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_**AN**: This is it!! How did everyone like the ending? Surprised? xD_

_I've officialy started _Death Did Us Part_, the companion story to this. I'd much appreciate it if you all went and read it! Many questions will be answered in it.

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